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| Blogs > myelin36 > Dirty Little Secrets |
First Time Meets: A Double-Edged Sword?
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First Time Meets: A Double-Edged Sword? So, I acted upon the advice of well-meaning watchers that responded to my last blog post Random that I should call someone or get together with someone to alleviate the loneliness that I felt. A guy who has been a long-term member of the site, whom I have never met recently reconnected with me to inquire if I would be interested in having dinner. The stars never seemed to align until he emailed me yesterday. So, I accepted. He lives about 45 minutes from me but offered to drive here. I suggested several options for dinner and was fully prepared to go dutch even though he did the asking. He selected the place which by all accounts was a bit pricey but so be it. Rule 1- I always meet a new person in a public venue so we met in the parking lot of the dining establishment. First impression was that he was obviously a very attractive man, someone whom I would consider fucking but obviously not on a first date. Red flag 1: After knowing me for all of 20 seconds, he was very touchy feely- putting his arm around me, holding my hand, brushing his hand against my ass as we walked in the restaurant. Not cool. I tried to be classy about it so I made a casual remark about it hoping he would get the hint. Apparently not. We had an enjoyable dinner. He was a great conversationalist and the conversation flowed freely. It wasn't awkward at all. I felt a lot of my values aligned with his, a good sign. After dinner, he took out his wallet refusing to let me pay. I should have considered that Red Flag 2 although I suspect he was trying to be a gentleman, I also know that men often expect sex if they pay for an expensive dinner. So we drove downtown and walked around. I showed him my office building. It was getting late so we headed back to the restaurant. He asked, "I hope the date isn't over." To which I replied, " Well, I guess we can go hang out and watch a movie at my house but be prepared, I have a cat." (Trying to give him an out). Once back at my house, he again became handsy so I finally asked, "were you expecting me to have sex with you?" He stammered and replied, "I had no expectations." Really? I finally had to break it to him after he surprise kissed me and told me I was sexy that I truly didn't accept his offer with the intent on having sex. I said not on the first date but I am attracted and could see it happening on a subsequent date. Even though the words were delivered gently, it was like I had slapped him across the face. Suddenly, he couldn't get out of there fast enough, like I had wounded his poor ego. Even after I sent a follow up "thank you- looking forward to seeing you again" text to which he never replied. Guess it goes to show that when meeting a man for a "dinner date" that is actually guy speak for "I'd better get laid or I am never talking to you again." Poor guy. I really would have fucked him. Last night really wasn't good sexual timing for me on several different levels. The emotional connection had barely had a chance to blossom which is a prerequisite for me to have sex. So gentle reader, mainly I am directing this to the females that read my blog but guys can chime in too: what has your experience been with first meets from members on this site? Do you feel pressure from the other person to fuck? How do you gently let down a person without shredding their poor fragile egos to pieces? Was I wrong in how I handled the situation? |
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Like with all things, perhaps you are correct, but, also true, not all of us would behave that way. Not sure I have a style yet, but it would not be that way since I'd might be silly but direct and would hope to be respectful. I bet I'm clueless on how things go or expected to work.
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Obviously I don't know how all the communications were handled from the beginning but I would say that it may be a good idea to make it clear before the date that there will be no sex that it is a meet and get to know you situation. I have never gone on a first date with any expectation to have sex but that is me and I can't speak for other people. Besides you always have the option of changing your mind if you feel so inclined. I suspect that a lot of guys on here think that a date with anyone on this site is a sex appointment. Clearly that is what he thought or was at least trying to encourage and he didn't handle it very well. I might also say save visiting your home for later, not on a first date as it is going to encourage the guy to think that he may get lucky.  When I suggested calling a friend or relative on your other post I was meaning for a friendly get together like playing cards, chatting watching a movie not a date situation but that's not a bad way to spend a lonely afternoon either.  Vive La Difference
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well now i t could depend on how long you been communicating before hand weeks days hours ive been on both end of spectrum just dinner no expectations then there have been weekenders but the communications were several months after getting to know a little more about someone i guess it how well you get to know someone before meeting 
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Many people think this is a sex site only. They have the mentality, if you accept a dinner invitation then you surely will have sex with them. I'm with you, I need to get to know you first.....regardless of how beautiful you might be. As a man, I'm in the minority with that thinking.
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What has your experience been with first meets from members on this site? First I find my answer hard to believe myself but it is true. Of the 7 I’ve met 6 have resulted in sex the first meet. The thing is I didn’t initiate it in any of them it essentially just flowed into that. I rarely go into meets expecting anything since online dating is such a crapshoot as far as even finding someone you can relate to. There is obviously more to those meets than that but I don’t want to hog up your blog. Do you feel pressure from the other person to fuck? I don’t and don’t pressure a date. How do you gently let down a person without shredding their poor fragile egos to pieces? Avoid people with “poor fragile egos”? Was I wrong in how I handled the situation? No, he was expecting and a bit pushy/”handsy”. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
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Lmfao!!!!  Sorry! Could not resist laughing after reading the details!!! I will admit I am a touching kind of guy quickly though I do try to go slow at first! After chatting for quite a while I have always felt we like each other if we decide to meet and I hug good friends all the time. I do realize this is slightly different. But the other issues this dummy had I take exception too! Lol! Not all of us men are that rude, stupid or arrogant to believe meeting and/or paying for dinner is promise of sex! Sorry he was one of those idiots who do think that way. At least you had a nice dinner and will not have to deal with his ego again. Lol. Hugs sexy!!!
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I think you have to lay it out there beforehand that nothing will happen, if that is your rule. I think inviting him back to your place was a mistake, its not safe for you, but I don't know how much you had chatted with him beforehand. As for myself, I often feel quite a bit of pressure to fuck if I meet someone, so at this point in my membership here I will very very rarely meet someone i would never have sex with, and haven't in many years. The last time I did, I laid it all out there beforehand, and still she got very upset that I wouldn't do it. Aut viam inveniam aut faciam Tips for Guys to Meet Women  Things i miss most about relationships
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Agreed a public place..restaurant...pub. I love your Rule & Red flag. I met someone once, not from this site.....not at all what their profile pic was. Don't like to hurt peoples feelings, but I made myself invisible. It to be expected on dating sites.
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This may be a sex site but you know you're under no obligation to have sex with someone, regardless of the circumstances. As you said, he selected the restaurant and paid for the meal. His choice. You said no to sex. Your choice. Everyone has choices. If they're the same, great! If not, be an adult and deal with it. You did the best you could to spare his ego but the bottom line is you need to look out for your own best interests first...not his. Pagan  Hmmmm....I know I left that wand around here somewhere!
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I would say this after reading this..... I have seen this from two different sides. I have had conversations that were evolving for months. They were erotic in nature....minds and bodies were aroused before meeting. Then again there were meets that weren't before hand. This clearly was an evolving situation without any long intimate conversations etc. I couldn't or wouldn't have acted as he unless there was a signal from you....I read women well and know by physical actions and the tone of the conversation what the limits are. I never challenge the limits. Personally.....if it were me unless you had initiated the invite I would not asked about ending the date. I have told you I had a great time etc...hoped for a couple kisses. I would have built on the meet.....to see if there was interest from you for more..... Click Here To Read A Hot Erotic Story: When A Woman Meets A Stranger Part 1 of 4
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I know. That's why I do restrain myself. But I think I should have been more clear with respect to touching too. Lmao! It would be a hug hello and goodbye. Probably a soft touch on her lower back as I held a door open for her to enter. A brush of our shoulders as we talked and laughed about whatever. Anything more would only happen if initiated by her. There! That's a much better explanation of what I mean as touchy! Lmao! Now, hopefully, I did not scare you or any other Woman viewing your blog nearly as much as before. Lol. Hugs
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I use the old spy meeting method. This allows for ether party to get out with out to much of problem. "RV" in a public area, always good for security. The man should have a colored shirt, kerchief, or an old time tie or flower. At this point can just let him walk past and he is the only one dejected. If you sit down with him and he turns out to be an arse hole make him walk away first, just to make sure he is nothing more than an arse hole. Then make sure you walk in large circle and not back to your car directly, if there is a problem with him now you have the right to call a cop and not get caught in your car. No masse, hairspray works, if you get home with him and it get nasty. Learn a few knots, not for M&S, but to keep him down till the cops turn up. Just wrote about this on my blog.
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Ahhh expectations and egos. It seems to me that often the two are connected - i.e. those with the biggest expectations are the ones that get their egos crushed when it doesn't go as planned. Almost like they are looking for validation (hence why they don't pay attention - it's about them, not you - and don't accurately read the vibe). A vignette is playing in their head about how this is all going to go. So I'm sure it seems shocking when it doesn't play out that way. One thing I am quite careful with is to align my words and actions - make them as close as possible. So many people say one thing and mean another that I think others are almost "trained" to ignore the words - especially if it isn't in line with what they seek. It's unlikely that I would have invited him back to my place if I had no intention of it being anything more that night. To me, that's got the potential to be a mixed message to someone who isn't really listening. No matter how clearly I've stated my intentions. If everyone is on roughly the same playing field, that shouldn't be necessary but it often is. As for gently letting someone down, to me the way to do that is being straight forward. I think you are absolutely right that his reaction to it is telling about him and that isn't someone who you want to see again. Lucky you that you found that out upfront! xoxo Always tell the truth Use kind words Keep your promises Giggle and laugh Be positive Love one another Always be grateful Forgiveness is mandatory Try new things Say please and thank you Say your prayers Smile ~Author unknown
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You did the right thing! He was very presumptuous thinking he was going to have sex on the first date. I too need a connection and that takes time! “Life is available only in the present moment.” Thich Nhat Hanh Come and read my blog! Become a watcher! veryfunnycple64 
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You weren't wrong in any way. I'd definitely say it was his loss.
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I've never expected sex. I've hoped for it, and planned for it. But never EXPECTED it. I think you did fine. 
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1 post 3/16/2016 5:33 pm |
Poor GUY, hope his ego survives. lol. Here one guys opinion,f din Most guys look at TSmeet as a hook up site and not really a dating site. Sounds like the date was going good until he tried to "surprise you with a kiss". If some hot chick invited me back to her house from TSmeet, I too would have thought it would have lead to sex. If you have a no sex on the first date rule, I think you should bring that up before inviting him to your house. Say something like "We can go hang out at my house, but just to let you know. I do have a no sex on first date rule. If he still wants to come over, then he probably likes you and not just looking for sex. A guy buying dinner should not be a Red Flag, I've never let a girl go dutch on any kind of date, or even just going out as friends. As far as this guys being to handsy, to me this is a hook up site, Im sure I am as guilty as this guy about being too handsy right away with gals I meet from TSmeet,. A lot more so than I would be from a girl that I meet from Match or one of the other dating sites for the first time. Sounds like you guys clicked pretty good at dinner, I'm surprised you didn't hear from him again.
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I have met four women from TSmeet for breakfast, lunch, dinner and even grocery shopping. As a gentleman I always pay, if she allows me to, and the price has no bearing on anything. I will give her the best companion and listener that I have in me. In return I expect her to be a courteous lady. My standard of "courteous lady" is much more difficult to achieve than the TSmeet standard of "desperate sex partner." Nevertheless every lady I have met from TSmeet (all bloggers) has exceeded my expectations. Despite your prejudices, this is a classy place. The rules of our fucked up society put megatons of pressure on every woman's body image and personality. But I don't believe in pressure or rules. I hope you begin your new role with gusto! Of course I never expect sex on any date. Perhaps it's inspired by true and never make a move toward it My featured post this week: Pulling Fantasy Sex Out of My Ass.
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