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| Blogs > Fukcdoll > Dirty Little Secrets? |
It Finally Set In Last Night
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It Finally Set In Last Night Last night was the viewing for Grandma & it all finally sank in, HARD once we got there. The fact that I would never see her again, never hear her voice,I never got say to goodbye & I would never again feel one of her heartful hugs wraping around me and making me feel her love. For the first hour, I was a mess. Crying hystarically, for the 30 or so minutes following, I couldn't open my mouth to speak with out breaking down in an ocean of tears once more. I've been to many funerals, but never for someone I loved so much. Never had it ever hit so close so home. And never for someone where I'm left felling guilty and so many things unfinished. Grandma's death is hard for me. I loved her so very much & she was the caregiver, protecter & inspiration to my X husband Jay. When I left him, 2 years agao now, it broke her heart. And everytime I saw her, I could that pain in her eyes, and she would cry. I promised her, when we where engaged, that I would always be there and take of him & even tough we are no longer together, I will always be there and help him in any way I can. I stayed away from grandma, after we split up, because I knew it was hard for her to see me and know that the split was hurting her and Jay so much. In the end, I was affriad to go and see her, as she lay dying in bed. because I as affraid of having my pressance hurt her heart & I was scared that she would make a dying wish for me to get back together with Jay, a wish I couldn't bring her, or a promise that I couldn't keep. So again I stayed away for fear of breaking her heart. Last night I was filled with guilt, for having gone to see her, to tell her how much I really do love her & giving her that love, when she needed it the most. I stayed away from her, out of love- if that makes sence? But still I wondre if I did the right thing, by doing that. Should i have gone there anyways? Should I have risked the pain for both us to tell her how much I love her? Or did I do the right thing? Allowing her to die peacfully, with out the reminder of how I hurt her family.... Yes- I feel guilty. Very much so. But I did what I thought was best under the circumstances. Everyone there last night, got to say their goodbyes, except me. Everyone there had sharred in the sorrow and heart ache of her illness, except me. I felt terrible. I still feel that guilt. Mnay of them looked at me as if I had no place there last night. I had left Jay, broken her heart, not gone to her when she dying & now, after everything I come and break down in a million pieces... Jay's brother wouldn't even look me for most of the night. A lot of the wouldn't. i felt badly out of place, hated and questioned by many people in the room. But as time went on, and I gained my composure, was able to speak once more, i began to feel better about myself & the situation. Once I saw Grandma, lying there, I felt a bit better, better taht finally after all this time, I could finallly look down on her & not see that heart ache any longer. She is at peace. Dispite verything in life, she is now at peace. I mademy desision to keep my distance out of love for her. And now that it's over, it'll be me that has to deal with that desission. Some people may not thinnk that i belong there, or that I've come back after her death to claim my piece of the inheritance, but I'm there out of love. Just like I kept my distance out of love, I have come back to let her & everyone else know, that I really did love her too. The funeral's today. The final closure of the chapter. I will be back working on my projects and party tomorrow, but for now I mourn the loss of most beloved Grandma & my heart hurts, knowing I feel her arms around my body again... fukcdoll, definition  - a woman who enjoys being used to fulfill fantasies & ones ultimate pleasures. - who's kink is to tantalize, arouse and satisfy the lust and desires for as many people as she can. - a cum guzzling who wants to be yours! **Alot A Little FUKCDOLLS**  Fukcdolls Video *Fan Club*          |
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8/21/2009 8:27 pm |
sorry to hear  hugs
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i know how much that must hurt. my thoughts are with you. doug
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8/12/2009 12:35 pm |
We are so sorry for your loss and the hard time you're having right now. Things will hopefully get easier for you soon. Just look forward to the party and all the fun we'll be having then. Hugs, A & S
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8/12/2009 11:47 am |
you have nothing to explain to prove to anyone other than yourself, you know why you stayed away, and you know whats in your heart, what others think is of no consequence. She knew you loved her and she loved you, that's all that matters.
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8/12/2009 11:11 am |
Hang in their pertty lady. I know that you will come through this hard time and be just fine. You seem like a tough person. It will take a little time but then you will just remember the good times and not the bad. As for what anyone thinks that is their problem. You sound like you have been true to yourself so the hell with what they think. Maybe they are trying to put some of theirs guilt off on you. I'm sure from what yousaid that she loveed just as much as she ever did. We all feel your pain hope we can help you through this.
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Sorry for your lose pam hope you and your kids are doing ok...
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