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| Blogs > Loreli_Sea_Wytch > My Blog |
A Prayer ion the Darkness
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A Prayer ion the Darkness I have not added a poem for so long, I have so many unwritten scribblings, half finished and sometimes just a title... I do have one.... it is very dark, I do not know where it cam from.... it is not I think my normal style  A Prayer in the darkness Despair is my companion Walking the dark streets The clocks chime 4am And Still I am walking Endless miles from home Still the same restlessness Still the gnawing hunger Still the searching God I wish I knew what it was My youth has flown on my lonely quest Searching always searching Sometimes I think I come so close Only to be disappointed Again the prize glows in its golden radiance Just beyond me Once more it is elusive Once more it slips through my fingers I pass a cathedral, My eyes search hungrily Is what I seek here, quickening my steps Hope rising once more in my chest Only to be dashed its is empty, My footsteps sound hollow, empty Echoing around me, mocking me in the vast space Pagan: All I see are plaster statues with dead eyes Pagan: there is no forgiveness here My endless quest starts again Walking the darkened streets once more Condemned to an eternity of darkness In my world it is always dark Just one day of sunlight, One day of hearing birds sing again To see beautiful innocent How subtle your curse How I laughed when you first delivered it Those beautiful compassionate eyes So sad yet no pity just a great sadness But still worse the Pity there The pity burned my flesh It burned what was left of my soul The 30 pieces of silver lay scattered, in the garden Still I remain outside alive but not really alive Cut off from all human touch all human speech All human warmth, compassion, companionship Bound in hell for eternity to always be alone Such a simple release you said.... So simple a bitter laugh rising to the sky What was it you said......? Forgive yourself Judas.... I have, our father has Judas it was your destiny Those words condemned me destiny....no choice Screaming in pain to the heavens How can I forgive myself.....? Our father gave us the ability to choose Please I beg let me rest, I beg you let me taste finally the mercy of eternal sleep I beg you, please father - show me, Teach me, allow me finally learn how to forgive myself Please show me the mercy of self forgiveness Collapsing to my knees No longer do I have the ability Nor the luxury the relief of tears Dragging myself wearily once more To my feet, the endless quest continues  Today however I did not come here to show my new works, it is more a confession, a cathartic Ramble a venting, a moving on and finally closing the door on a time that can never return, it is also a thank you to some very special people in my life who have stood by me through some difficult and bitchiness of my part..... to them I think I owe my life, when I was ready to give into the pain and the crumbling body, they were there kicking my but and making me realize just how blessed and lucky a person I am... Two years ago, I came to this site as Lemurian_Lady, I was lucky I met a lot of friendly people and soon settled down in a routine chatting and cy-bering with both men and women, I was able to put my personal life on hold, the disintegrating marriage and the crumblingg love affair with my best girlfriend. hat do they say Pride goeth bgefore a fall..... Unwittingly I became a means for a so called friend to end a relationship and come out smelling like roses whilst I would be seen as a betrayer of a friend, a man stealer. I lost several good friends who believed the lies , it was a beautifully crafted trap and I guess if I had been judging I would have found it hard on the evidence to have believed me either, unfortunately for me they forgot who I was, and that I would never betray a friend. But out of that ugliness came a friendship and then a love, for the first time in 15 years I was alive, my heart was singing, I was n love with a wonderful man, I am not saying he was perfect, none of us are after all we are human. The price of that love was very very high, we were unable to go into most room as his ex lady and my ex friend had so many friends and also we would run into her everywhere we went, in the end we stayed in our own literal world either communicating by text, phone, y or in the beautiful gift of love my own room Lemuria, were we built a beautiful Island home our house was built and decordated with love and we sp sent many happy times there. The fates stepped in and I fell very ill, my cancer returned and a virus I picked up whilst working in a refugee camp resurfaced and slowly began to eat me from the inside....It was joined by an aussie mate an ecol virus, three times they almost killed me but I survived, I had a good man waiting for me, and by this time I had met and became mates with a wonderfulwoman and friend Ocean, the three of us spent many happy times till the illness. I lost contact as I was so ill, I was on life support and unable to communicate with the outside world. When finally I came home, in a very weakened state, I tried to contact my love.... to this day I am still not quite sure what happened, I know my eldest had something to do with it. but the man I came back to was bitter, angry and treated me as a , I tried for several months to get his trust back, in the end he asked me to never contact hm again. I was deviated, but I have kep my word. Ocean was so good to me, I know she spoke to him on my behalf but could not get through, I lost the will to fight and was fading away, My beloved Ocean kicked my ass three ways to Sunday and got me back on track. I became bitter and twisted as well, and when I was Strong enough I decided to come back to TSmeet, but this time I said no one would ever hurt me again this time I would be a domme, a cold hearted one and men under my power would pay the price for his(my love, sou mate) betrayal. Unfortunately, I was a coward in another way, I did not come back as Lemurian Lady thought Ocean tried to tell me if was a bad move to come back with a new handle....I wouldn't listen, I had been too hurt and did not want to have to facwe the verbal attacks again. It was easy in a way, my now ex husband wrote the profile and a girl friend helped as well and so Loreli Seaytch was born I changed slightly and settled down to have fun, no emotional ties just fun no strings and let the domme side of me have free reign, soon I had male and female subs who seemed to thrive on my cruelty and love of punishment for the smallest infraction. Another man came intro my life and I found myself slowly thawing, he was married and he fell for me, and IO grew fond oh him but my heart stayed firmly hidden from sight. It came to crunch time, his wife found out and he wanted to leave her and come here..... I did what was necessary, I treated him like shit and humiliated him to such an extent he went back to his wife and and continued in his good life.....It let me lonely, but I am glad he was able to return to his family and from message recently, he now realizes what I did na d thaked me and said he widfe ad he were now close, she had changed she went to the gym and has lost aso much weight, they now talk things over not she barked he jumped..... it has brought me closure and comfort. There were minor love affairs along the way, but nothing really lasting or important...All along the way OIcean was there to pick me up when I fell, at me on the back if I did good and kick my ass when I falterd. Then I met a man, and I fell so much in love with him, the real me surfaced, I was so happy and waited counting the hours till he would be on line and we could be together..... then one day he came to me so happy carefree, acting like a scjhoolboy and his first crush, he had fallen in love with a wonderful lady, and he knew his mate would be happy for him..... my heart broke and shattered into a thousand pieces...... He did not realise I had felt that way, so I picked myself up and became his china plate, I am glad I came back as that beside Ocean and Rechelle he is my best friend here and in the real world, and I love him but I have learnt to love him but not be in love with him.... we have both helped each other through some rough times, he knows he can trust me implicitly and I the same with him My coming back with a new handle had its price as well, some guessed and I in the end told them yes, but others who had been good friends I did not tell, when one lady friend found out she was so hurt and angry with me she banned me from her room, I tried to explain but the hurt went to deep, as she said how could she ever trust me again, and so I lost her . During my time here I have met some incredible people and made some good friends, there was one Lady Lisa, she and I had very similar childhoods, similar pains and we worked in the same area because of our childhood, when the darkness came upon her I would hold her close till it passed and she did the same for me... Late last year she uccumbed to Cancer, her death devistated me and I miss her still. I have to mention TD Rex, LJ Hggman, as special friends as well, they have been kind and we have laughed, cried argues and giggled they are very good friendsand they know I truly adore them Ocean, what can I say, she is a beautiful inside and out woman who I am proud and so honored to call my friend and when I am really lucky lover,.She is unique in afield where there are many witty and intelligen women, she has a style and so much class.... thehy broke the mould when she ws created. Rechelle, my sweet Carolina peach, you also have a special place in my heart, you warmth, caning nature, and sensuality.... well you are the whole package and you know you are very much cared for. Silkin,.... we have crossed swords and sometimes been on opposite sides. but always there was a respect for your loyalty and the way you defended your friends, because of a mutual friend and our worry over him, we have finally come together, and I have great respect and affection for you as well, and I hope our friendship gorws and flourishes.... Gentleboy, and LJ Gibbs, both are new Friends who make me laugh, talk to me and make me feel good and I in turn try and bb there for them as well. In my life now there is romance, no I will not say who my lover is, but with him, I again feel very special as if I am the only one in the world when I am with him..... we have been together but not... we are not a coupole but are.... we are on journey to see if we truly meant to come together, only time will tell but this time, this time I am taking it very slow, this time I do not demand to be exclusive, this time I do not try to suffocate, this time I know He need freedom to be himself and if he returns each night and wes sleep together in our drams then I am content...if He does not then he was never truly mine. Well that is it, my two years on AF, it is long and rambling but I hope makes sense, yes some names have been left out and some incidents too otherwise i would take till next year to finish... Please do not judge me too harshly, I have done some stupid things, made mistakes and most probably will in the future, but from all this I have learnt the value of a friend and the nature of a confidence and loyalty. I have hurt people during my journey but in my defense never maliciously or on purpose...... I can be thoughtless at times, but I think I am also a caring person and I too will defend a friend against all... I will tell a friend my opinion no matter if it makes them mad but friendship is just that taking the good and the bad and still loving that friend..... thank you for reading my blog   |
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2/26/2010 7:39 pm |
well loreli. i read ur blog. i must say, your incredible woman. and you will always have a special place in my heart for what we had. as long as your happy, i am happy for you. i wish you nothing but the best.
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Thank you Randy, yes you will always be remembered, time is deleting the arguments the harsh words and leaving only the beautiful times, the times when we laughed and were happy...I yto wish you only the best
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2/28/2010 8:18 am |
So much here, so deeply do your words play upon my heart. Yes, the first part of this post is dark, a dark prayer shared with us all. But the second part brought tears to my eyes. You have so many friends and those who love you, and you are a delight to all that know you, and have known you. I hope that the future brings you all the love you so richly deserve.
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Loreli I am honored to be your friend. I wish you all the happiness that can be bestoded upon you in your persute of returning romance to you. Be patient with yourself and your new companion. Trust will bring you together and the romance will grow like a flame turns to an inferno. Be true to yourself and your dreams will come true.
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