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| Blogs > OneStrangeBeast > The Beast Burrow |
The Book of the Beast
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The Book of the Beast The Book of the Beast: Bar Bouncer Edition I just had a little text conversation with a friend and an old story of mine surfaced that I haven't thought of in a long time. I think it's funny though, so I'll share it for anybody willing to read it. Let me preface this by saying that my older brother used to be a bouncer in several bars in Detroit, Michigan when he was younger. He finally quit for good 1 night when he opened the door to go to work, and a guy fell into his arms with a large knife sticking out of his back. Ray decided that was enough for him. My 1 and only attempt at becoming a bouncer took place at a bar near the University of Connecticut years ago. I believe it must have been the year 2001 or maybe 2000. I remember the Huskies won a National Championship a week later, so whenever that was. I had a buddy in the Naval Reserves that would spend his reservist time working with us in our shop in Groton, CT. His name was Doug if I recall correctly. Doug told me he worked at a bar near UCONN in his civilian life and suggested that I come up 1 night and he could probably get me a job working as a bouncer there. One Friday, I grab my good friend Mr. Joshua, and we jump in my Jeep and head up to this bar. We arrived and Doug happened to be working the front door that night, checking IDs and taking cover charges. We walked up and we swapped some light conversation with Doug. He told us to go on inside, have a good time, and he would get me some face time with the owner/manager guy once everything at the door had calmed down for the night. Mr. Joshua and I went in and took one trip around the dance floor and bar area just to get a lay of the land the way I like to do. I was also taking in as many pretty girls as I could of course. All work and no play makes the Beast a dull critter. Once we had a feel for the building, we approached the bar and I ordered 2 Coors Lights (This was obviously some time ago when I still drank beer instead of something good). I drank down one beer quickly...or as quickly as I can drink beer, and picked up my second to "enjoy" a bit more slowly. No longer than that and I heard a noise behind me and a rise in the volume of voices in the bar. I turned casually around and immediately saw two guys coming around a pool table, locked onto each other in a weird, front-facing, double headlock like a couple of mountain goats or something. I'm still not sure why I did it. Not much thought went into it. I simply put my beer on the bar and walked directly toward these two strangers locked in battle. I guess I had the instincts of a bouncer, if nothing else. When I reached the two lovers, I bent at the knees enough to get below their centers of gravity and, grabbing a handful of each of their shirts, I rose directly between them and pushed them away from each other as I regained my full height. The next bit of time was probably no more than 20-30 seconds, but it felt like several minutes at least. I quickly attained tunnel vision and could only see a vague nothingness in front of me as I firmly held these two guys apart as they fougt like crazy to get at each other once again. My buddy Mr. Joshua would later tell me that for every time I pushed them away from each other, it set up a domino, wave-like effect through the rest of the crowd. I was the eye of the tornado, so to speak. As quickly as it had started, there was a sudden release of pressure and both of my hands were empty and both combatants apparently dissolved like ghosts on Scooby Doo. I looked around and realized that the hat I had been wearing had fallen off in the scuffle. I saw it on the floor about 5 feet away and began to walk/bend toward it. Right about then, somebody half tackled, half shoved me from behind toward a door at the end of the bar where my beer was still waiting for me. I was shoved toward the door and my instinct was to reach out and grab the edges. I grabbed both sides of the door and immediately wedged both of my feet into either side as well. More and more weight began to pile up behind me at that point. The only thing that my mind was telling me was happening, was that 1 of the guys had run through the door and the other was still trying to chase him down and I just happened to still be in the way. The weight behind me started to suggest that more people had decided to join in the fun. I maintained a slight smile the entire time while thinking "You're not getting by me Mr. Fighty Pants." At that point...somebody elbowed me in the back of the head. It didn't hurt but it distracted me long enough that my right hand was pulled free from the door jamb and I was shoved into a narrow hallway about 15 feet long with another door in it's righthand wall about 10 feet away. The hallway being narrow, I simply slapped the palms of my hands against the walls and planted my feet into the corners once again. I had managed to create yet another nearly immovable roadblock. Yay for me. Nearly immovable.... I was slowly, inch by inch, moved forward down the hall. For one brief moment, I had actually thought of stepping forward quickly, pivoting on my heels, and dropping the first two faces in front of me. I was still having fun with the whole experience though and decided I wasn't going to ruin anyone's dental work. The mass of weight eventually got me to the second door. A single individual came from my left and kicked the door open. I heard one voice yell "That's it! He's out of here!". That's when it finally got through my thick, absent minded skull, that these folks pushing me were the bouncing staff and not the original fighters plus friends. I turned my head backwards enough to get a single face in my field of vision and said "I was stopping that fight....not in it!" The face just gave me this look that said "Please dude...fucking leave!" With a single motion, I released both sides of the door and took a lengthy stride forward, leaving them behind. I waited outside near my Jeep for about 5 minutes until Mr. Joshua stepped out the back door and looked around. I walked up and the first thing I asked was "How many guys were just on me?" Mr. Joshua started counting on his fingers before simply dropping his hand and saying "All of them". We walked back around front and Doug was still working the door. He looks at me in surprise and says "What the Hell are you doing back here?" I tell him the story really quick and swear that I had simply been trying to break the two guys inside up before they hurt each other. A man came walking outside and stood beside Doug with a concerned look on his face. Doug turns to him and says "Hey, this is the guy I was telling you about that would make a good bouncer here." as he points to my grinning face. The guy looks at me with this, "You've got to be fucking kidding me!" look on his face. I try to tell him my side of the story and ask if I can at least go back inside to get my hat which I never managed to pick up. He sent one of the bouncers in to retrieve it for me. A week later.... as the Huskies are about to play that championship game, I get a phone call from the manager up there, telling me he could really use the extra muscle for the big game. I thanked him but turned him down. Way too far to drive for a moonlighting gig.  BEAST OUT |
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