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sauntering saturdays
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sauntering saturdays i am not much of a drinker at all. an occasional beer, a drink at a bar with a friend, that’s about it… but yesterday was life is too tough to take friday so i started drinking around 7pm, right after i got home from work. cheap gin and generic supermarket diet ginger ale, a classy drink for an all around classy guy. that’s me. classy…my name is bond, maurice bond, and i love my cheap throat burning booze shaken, not stirred, with the cheapest blend of 99 cent soda over ice. what better way to wallow in worried woes? despair is perfectly compatible with really cheap booze. sometime around 9 or so, the drunken texts flew from my alcohol-laden digits. quite a few friends got some inane e-mumbling e-message that made little sense. and of course, i apologized. dunno for what, but i said i was sorry. eh, depression sucks. but i live with it. and most of the time i am ok. but when it hits, i stupidly think that getting inebriated dulls the pain. but quite the opposite; the sadness flows through my veins and arteries faster than the alcohol i guzzled. and they dont blend well at all. anyway. onward; i have this female cyber- pen-pal friend in richmond virgina. she lusts for me. we cyber-met on a vanilla dating site 5-6 years ago. i wrote her some erotica. she liked it. she also likes to use kitchen utensils to get off, and i think thats a pretty neat trick. i have visions of her hopping around the kitchen, pretending to be a cowgirl, smacking her ass with a spatula and using the rolling pin shoved in her moist natures tufted treasure, using it as a pommel as she goes round and round the table, neighing like a shetland pony, a meat thermometer festively dangling from her chocolate bunny maker; she is cookin that soup, stirring her honey pot with that rolling pin, a prancing and dancin, doin the two fingered taco tickle, until the pillsbury doughboy giggles and she is poppin fresh. yes. yes, i will stoop that low to make inane jokes. i texted her too. and we texted till way late. or way early, i cant figure out which. we had a nice chat. i think i am gonna meet her in baltimore. and i am gonna meat her with balls and more. whats better than bananas and cream on a nice cushy hotel bed? i submit to you, nothing. its gonna be a great dating site date…i am gonna meat my pillow princess, have her sweep me off my feet with a nice aikido move, and get my last first blowjob. i will try to stay awake longer than 15 minutes after she accepts my starchy love offering…….. fun fun fun. anyway. onward; you know all us guys dont really see you women on dating sites as people; we see you victorias secret models advertising for gratuitous penis. we dont see you as humans, but as orifices.. stink-hole one, stink-hole two, or the other upper one, where the stupid stuff comes out of. and please, all you women who now want to respond telling me that you wish i would go fuck a syphilitic aids-ridden crack from the innards of detroit and love to see my 4 year old sized peanut dick fall off after shriveling and blackening, please realize that i am writing a harmless little piece of fluff, cause the muse struck me this saturday morning. i freely admit us guys on dating sites are pretty awful. we show an incredibly amazing lack of understanding of what makes a woman tick, that despite her advertising for cock, women still need the dance of seduction, the words, the romance of flirtatious excitement, the need to be respected and not considered a wanton until they consent to be so. us guys post a pic of a torso shot and erect heat seeking moisture missile, with the prolific profile prose that would fail a 3rd grade grammar test, and expect you hotties to cyber-swoon, meet us within 15 minutes of us reaching to you, and be naked in some back alley guzzling our throat yogurt.. and we all know that the last paragraph is pretty damn close to reality. anyway. onward; i have written this before, but please, dear<b> gods </font></b>of priapism and paraphilia, please oh please stop overweight women from posting pics of their pendulous chesticles….. no, i am not a misogynistic moron, don’t mind nude pics, but it is clearly disturbing to see stretch marks, tits touching belly buttons, bunts, etc.. and know i am far from skinny, i have a middle aged gut, i over eat and don’t exercise enough, but have the good sense not to show my naked self on here. ….unless, of course, you women want to perpetuate your self-loathing and fuck me, a guy that looks just like homer simpson naked.. but not quite that yellow… so….just know that photos of flappy jacks on fat babes to guys are the female equivalent of looking at pics of lil pee-pees on a doughy boy body. get it? anyway. onward. i have met a few nice women from alt and TSmeet. had some very nice intimate encounters, so don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression about how i feel about adult dating sites. its been mostly a pleasant experience…just know that like anything else in life, ya just gotta sort through the chaff to get to the wheat. or tough to open bra-clips and zippers to get to the genitals. or something. feel free to add your own homespun aphorism… anyway. onward; i do have to admire women who have the intelligence and poise to pen profiles that are well thought out, spell out exactly what you want, are stunning and have smoking hot bods, looking for a combination of johnny depp, albert einstein and james cameron on alt or TSmeet …. yet don’t realize that you are advertising your pink fortresses of dom perignon to drinkers of olde english …. anyway. penultimately; those clever profiles that at times do read like a resume, but ya never tell us why ya got fired from your last job…. wishing all of you horny masturbatory marauders and closet pervs a salacious saturday and sinfully satiated sunday. |
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beer is good
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