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| Blogs > MBm2fWidow > The Widow's Watch |
It’s Not a Choice or a Life Style
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It’s Not a Choice or a Life Style  It seems simple enough to look at a transgender person and draw a conclusion that this is a personal or even a life style choice. I can tell you, from my experience that the choice was already made for me from as long back into childhood as I can possibly remember. I may have been told I was a boy and I may have tried to hide what I felt and thought but I did not see myself as anything but a girl. Every waking moment I was in a state of gender confusion. That confusion and conflict created an indelible wound that at times still bleeds with sadness, fear and isolation even though I was successful in fully transitioning almost 40 years ago at age 22. I share this personal insight for those who also battle some level of gender dysphoria. If in your mind’s eye, during your early developmental years, you see yourself the opposite gender than what the world sees you, there is little that can be done to erase that indelible impression. Couple that gender conflict with puberty that brought on breast development and a mirrored reflection that only strengthened a level of embarrassment, shame and non-conformity. In other words you see yourself as some freak of nature. But you move forward trying to resolve the conflict somehow in some way. I make this claim from my own observation, from my experience. For me it was a waiting game. My parents were, in retrospect, more scared and ashamed than I. My declaration that I was a woman was not only met with horror and anger from my parents but with complete rejection. Upon high school graduation I left home to literally live on the streets of Boston. There was no other option. I found some level of acceptance within the gay community but even there I didn’t fit into the paradigm. I was too much a girl for the guys. It was the summer of 1971, I was 17 years old and I remember a dear friend declaring that I got into drag one day and never got out. So it began a journey to try to find myself. The danger that loomed on the darkened streets of the Back Bay of Boston for a naive and vulnerable 17 year old was invisible. Life was a nightly experience of new acquaintances, gay nightclubs, drinking, drugs, disco and dancing. Nothing seemed real and nothing seemed forever. I didn’t belong anywhere and I didn’t fit into the scene I was trying to fit into. During this crazy time I was approached by Karl Houston a well-known celebrity female impersonator to join his review. He had a successful touring company called “All That Glitters Is Not Girls” and I was hired as one of two showgirls in the troupe. Both showgirls were transgender but in those days we were called “sex-changes” … even though we were both pre-operative. I found myself on stage for the first time outfitted in head-dresses, feathers and jewels and quickly learned how to walk like a showgirl. I became the object of disbelief and amazement by audiences everywhere, but then that was the point of the review. Karl or Carlotta sang live, headlining the show and was supported by the talented Chi-Chi Laverne and Toby Marsh who were both from NYC’s famous Jewel Box Review. It was a fun time, especially backstage listening to all the catty chatter, shade and joking. I felt a sense of family a sense of belonging for the first time. I also fell in love for the first time. His name was Philip. He was a tough guy, tall, muscular and oh so handsome. He was everything I could only have imagined in my dreams. He was very protective of me and it made me feel safe. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I continued to work as a showgirl and he continued to be by my side. He moved me into his apartment and for the first time I was able to live my fantasy. Our sex life was fulfilling for him as I was submissive to his every need and desire. But I chose to deny my needs simply because what was between my legs was all wrong. In time I painfully discovered he was seeing his old girlfriend, a genetic female, on the side and the betrayal doomed the relationship and I walked away. Over the next decade he still sought me out to talk to me and to tell me how proud he was of me. I suppose he really loved me but his infidelity was not something I wanted to accept. But I am getting ahead of myself . .. (to be continued) |
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8/8/2016 9:59 am |
Thank you for sharing about your transition journey. I have longed wanted to know. Plus, your transition 40 some years ago there were not many resources for transitioning ladies back then. Love yo , Dear.
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wow... you are sexy!! The is the first time I have seen your blog and I have been on here for 2 years!! I now a follower!!
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