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| Blogs > MBm2fWidow > The Widow's Watch |
Commitment .... and the Right Choice
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Commitment .... and the Right Choice 100% committed … yes … and God Blessed me with strength, compassion, tenacity and focus … I got through marriage, careers, love, and death … now I find myself stopped …. looking at myself in ways I never did … through lenses that didn’t exist years ago and seeing myself in pictures and feeling the sadness and the confusion and the fear that being transgender brings …… going through puberty and watching one’s own body develop a feminine shape of the opposite gender is extremely confusing and isolating and frightening … There is no wonder that when I went through AF basic training and had to take off all my clothes in front of everyone ... how they whistled and hooped at me … I was so profoundly afraid… my fucking hair grew back white at age 21. I see now that my body’s development had much to do with my mother’s health issues regarding her Thyroid gland and Goiter ... her hormonal deficiencies while she carried me to birth altered my chromosomal development... Klienfelter's Syndrome I made it through all of that and I did it while trying to win the respect of my father (it's an Italian thing) and my family… it was tough …. now I am searching for a future but the loneliness is harder than ever. … just wish I felt safe … I felt safe while I was married to Steven …. I even became convinced he was my family… which was hard for me to believe…but I reached it…. and for a decade of years felt content, grounded and safe. When he died and left this life as we know it ……That safe world collapsed around me …… now I live within the walls that was once …. I miss that safe world ….. I want to find it again.  |
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Being 100% anything is amazing and takes a great deal of effort and commitment. Through it all I am sure you both realized that everything you had together one day would end although you didn’t dwell on it or even think about it often. The point is that 100 percent you gave all that energy of his is still out there. It took so much to produce it how could it not be. So what I am saying is meditate and concentrate on that energy. Focus your positive energy on what positive things you can remember and focus on those positive memories. Take yourself to a calm peaceful place when meditating and focus on those positive memories. I believe in this method for cleansing yourself of bad feelings or atonement/guilt. Why did I survive? Or in your case I would love to be safe again! You will B. You will, you intelligent, funny, clever, beautiful, sexy, and one of a kind, my “Nova Diamond”. One day if you choose I will explain. 😘 ❤️ Tom
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2/24/2018 1:58 pm |
Thank you for your candor and sharing, as I look for my own safe place.
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Barbara I truly believe you are an amazing woman. I appreciate your candor and honesty. I have enjoyed our messaging and decided to return and read all of your blog posts again
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It must have been very hard for you all of your life. I really can't imagine, but I can empathize with you. I'm sure Steve made you feel safe. It's so hard to lose the one who was your other half. Just that special "not having to communicate" feeling that he knew how you were doing. I do miss that too! I know you will get back to that safe world! Don't despair, things like that do take a lot of time, trust, and love. Because of that they are not easy to find. You are a very strong and energetic woman, don't let the walls get you again. I would guess the detachment you feel on cam is being "walled" in and still having people enjoy your spirit. Hang in there Babe, you are getting better every day. There will always be the "gotcha's" along the way. Steve will remain a power, there's no easy way around that. We just need to move forward and adapt.
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5/17/2017 10:50 am |
uou are so beautiful
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5/8/2017 9:55 pm |
Beautiful Lady to Love and Cherish, my mom had Thyroid problems. Would love time with you and cherish life together.
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you are a person I would enjoy meeting and chatting with over a cup of coffee for hours on end. I hope that we get that chance one day.
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I clicked *like* because it was I can't help but appreciate the way you pour your feelings out in words. At the same time, that doesn't seem entirely appropriate. I'll look forward to when I can flip to the last page and read how it all ends. Blissfully and fulfilling, I hope. And, somehow the picture seems to fit the tone of it all perfectly.
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Honey you've ALWAYS got a willing option out here in Northern California. Just say the word and I'll close shop here and be on the next train to Clarksville.....will you be waiting at the station? Keith
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There are support groups for those in our community who can lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on. Being alone does not have to mean you are lonely. There is a lot of life left to give. Good luck and be safe. Ciao. Gina
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thank you for sharing. When you do feel lonely reread the first sentence you wrote. keep smiling, i'm pulling for you.
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Your are a lovely and beautiful person and I have commented on your introspection before. You will find a safe haven and enjoy life albeit perhaps in a different vein. Hope you keep posting, this is a safe place to "vent" and there is lots of wonderful folks here (Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group
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