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| Blogs > Dark_Wolfmoon > My Blog |
Friends With Benefits
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Friends With Benefits One hears this term bandied about a great deal in everyday life - sometimes in normal conversation, sometimes in hushed tones – but few truly know the definition of it. Some try to live what they think it might be, what they believe it is, what they feel it should be, but in the end most – if not all – fail miserably. Why? Because they forget the core principles of the dynamic. They forgot the friendship. Too many of them turn it into a relationship, often forgetting the real dynamic. This cannot happen. Let’s break it down: Friend With Benefits. First word: “Friend.” Friend: noun 1) A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations; 2) A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts; 3) A person whom one knows; an acquaintance; 4) A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade; 5) One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement. Hmmm. So, from what I’m gathering from this definition, this dynamic starts with a pair of people who like/trust one another, who share mutual affection, who know each other, and/or who are allied on a struggle or cause, or who are comrades. *nods slowly, pondering* I can understand where that could/would work. It’s rather difficult to be Friends with Benefits if one cannot stand the other person. Moving on... Now, we all know what the word “with” means, so I won’t get into defining it. I will, however, skip over it and turn My attention to the word “Benefits,” and what it means in this particular situation. Benefits: noun 1) An advantage or profit gained from something; 2) Something that promotes or enhances well-being; an advantage; 3) A kindly deed; 4) To be helpful or useful to; 5) Something that improves or promotes. How interesting. A benefit appears to be a good thing, afterall. It actually appears to be something that would be good for all those involved, doesn’t it? ‘Twould seem so. So, from what we’ve learned thus far, Friends with Benefits appears to be a good, decent, solid thing, beneficial to all those who would partake from the arrangement. Correct? At least by definition. Now, let’s look at the dynamics of it; let’s look at what it IS and what it IS NOT, shall we? (For the sake of this comparison, the Friends with Benefits dynamic will be referred to as FWB from this point forward.) FWB is NOT: A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship A committed relationship, in the traditional sense A monogamous relationship (unless otherwise communicated and agreed upon) A polyamorous relationship (unless otherwise communicated and agreed upon) Dating, a relationship, or even casual dating A one night stand Likely to move into actual romantic relationship territory Interested in romantically dating each other Real dates are not initiated because there is no romantic interest between the partners Clingy, demanding, or stalker-ish Ownership Marriage FWB is: Loaded with Communication (to the nth degree) Open (unless otherwise discussed) Between Friends, Ex-partners, etc (the combinations are endless) No Commitments, no romance, is void or greatly lacking jealousy and other such emotions that usually come with a serious relationship Really good, long, flirty conversations Sex without commitment An Arrangement where either party can start dating someone else at any time WITH prior warning About being able to talk about each other’s dating lives Sex can even be an optional part of the relationship The intention of hanging out is because you enjoy similar activities and each other’s company Having the ability to go out on date-like activities If one partner has sex outside of the relationship, it does not end their friendship. Instead, the sex element is taken out of the relationship and they continue to be friends. Sex can also come back into the friendship when both parties are ready for it Calling to just talk or make plans to hang out The ability to have sex with each other without it being awkward because they either have a good foundation for their relationship and/or communicate really well with each other Now, these are the basics of an FWB dynamic. Inside each dynamic are hundreds, if not thousands, of negotiations that must happen in order to tailor-make that dynamic to that particular set of friends. What may work for one pair may not work for another, even though the framework is identical. What kills most FWB dynamics is lack of communication. Fancy that! That happens to kill most gf/bf, gf/gf, and bf/bf relationships as well! Not only that, but the indifference and lack of interest that goes along with it lubricates that knife rather well as it slips between the ribs and into one’s heart. Another method of killing the dynamic is when one person wants more than what was originally agreed or negotiated upon. Pushing for more from an unwilling partner can shatter any bonds that may be present in a matter of moments, causing distrust, resentment, and massive amounts of anger. FWB can be a wonderful and fulfilling set-up for those who are willing to work hard for the arrangement. For those who believe that they can skate around the rules, who believe that the rules don’t or shouldn’t apply to them, it can be a slippery and treacherous slope, leading to nothing more than a hard fall at the end and a nasty taste in one’s mouth. It is an arrangement that requires effort from all parties involved, just as in good old-fashioned friendship itself, and can bestow upon those involved treasures beyond imagining. It can strengthen the friendship, deepen bonds, create more lasting friendships where they may have not existed to begin with. A word of caution, though. Friends with Benefits is NOT for the faint of heart, nor for the foolish, the vain, the conceited, the selfish, or those who are not ready to see their own souls reflected back at them. It takes a certain strength, a certain character, a certain breed of person to exists within this arrangement and to make it work. Those of us who have walked this path on several occasions bear the scars, as badges of honor, pride, or shame for having survived something so profound, so amazing, so vital and moving. One cannot be needy, greedy, clingy, unsteady in one’s emotions, heartless, careless, a user, underhanded, manipulative. One MUST be brutally honest, forthright, heartfelt, willing to work on and with your own emotions, Loyal, honorable, comforting, gentle and fierce at the same time. Friends with Benefits is a mutually beneficial agreement, designed for the maximum comfort of all parties involved. It is NOT a relationship. It is NOT a marriage. It is NOT a commitment. It does NOT give either party the right to ask or demand from each other displays of affection or more attention than what was agreed upon or what is comfortable. It IS quite simply two people who like each other, who are friends, who are attracted to each other, and who agree to (continue) having sex. Upsetting that deck of cards can cause it to all fall apart. I'm different. I will give you my treasure chest of darkness first. If you can handle that, then I'll bring out my shining moons. If one cannot handle the darkness, then one should not deserve the light. I have no interest in "trapping" anyone in a silken web. I have no silken web. - C. Joybell C. |
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I agree with your essay here 100% and can proudly say that I once had such a perfectly arranged relationship and it was wonderful. Sadly, a career move required a geographical move and ultimately, that ended the WB part... We are still friend, however. Now, if I could just find that magical balance again...
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3/18/2021 4:07 am |
Awesome blog I agree.
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