Find Trans Hookups Now
Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
Find Trans Hookups Now
| Blogs > rm_longliner002 > longliner002 My Blog |
Daily Dose of Humor Sat Mar 10- 2007
|
Daily Dose of Humor Sat Mar 10- 2007 Daily Dose of Humor Sat Mar 10- 2007 ______________________ t o d a y 's j o k es ______________________ A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 16 in his town has already been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly. "Why the jelly," she asks him? "So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies. "Well why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?!" ______________________ A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror." ______________________ Who Is The Father A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth never quite looked like the rest of our . Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You." ______________________ There is a dangerous vi&us being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This v*rus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. It will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. ______________________ One of my fondest memories As I recall the days of yore was the little house, behind the house, With the crescent o'er the door. 'Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head all bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn't be there, If you didn't have to go. Ours was a multi-holer, three, With a size for every one. You left there feeling better, After your job was done. You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog-- To that little house where you usually Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog. Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was spread with snow. 'Twas then with much reluctance, To that little house you'd go. With a swish you'd clear that wooden seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear You'd shut your eyes and g rit your teeth As you settled on your rear. I recall the day Ol' Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip out to that little house Which proved to be a bummer. 'Twas the same day that my Dad had Finished painting the kitchen green. He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made With rags and gasoline. He tossed the rags down in the hole Went on his usual way Not knowing that by doing so He'd eventually rue the day. Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Stays in my memory yet. He sat down on the wooden seat, With both feet on the floor. He filled his pipe and tapped it down And struck a match on the outhouse door. He lit the pipe and sure enough, it soon began to glow. He slowly raised his rear a bit And tossed the flaming match below. The Blast that followed, I am told Was heard for miles around; And there was poor ol' Granddad Sprawled out there on the ground. The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, His eyes were shut real tight; The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight. We asked him what had happened, What he said I'll ne'er forget. He said he thought it must have been The pinto beans he et! Next day we had a new one Dad put it up with ease. But this one had a door sign that read: No Smoking, Please! Now that's the story's end my friend, Of memories long ago, When we went to the house behind the house, because we had to go. ______________________ |
Become a member to create a blog
