Flinging Poo Edition!
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Posted:Apr 12, 2012 10:36 am
Last Updated:Apr 12, 2012 6:01 pm
9523 Views
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Transcription of the Thursday April 12, 2012 airing of The Morning Blah, with your host, John Riffenblatt.
__________________________________________________________
J.R. : And that was a word from our sponsor, TruFit Suppositories. "When you really need to shit, trust it to TruFit."
We're talking with one of the rising stars of the adult booty call site's, blogging world, OneStrangeBeast.
Before the Break Beast, you were just about to share with the audience, how you describe your blogging style.
O.S.B. : Well Mr. Riffenblatt, may I call you John? (Enthusiastic nod) Well John; I really see my blogging style to be similar to that of a misunderstood, moderately angry primate with a perpetual erection, playing with his poop, and slapping around an Etch A Scetch, and just trying to show the world that, I too, have opposable thumbs, and something relevant to share.
(Nearly deafening decibel level of applause, whistling, and cries of "I want to have your baby!!")
J.R.: Outstanding! Well I think by the reaction of our studio audience, your message is getting out there Beast! You've certainly stirred the turds in the punch bowl, as the old saying goes. I haven't seen the female members of my audience this lathered up since we had Hanson on years ago for a live performance of MMMBop!
Tell us Beast, what are your plans for the future within the burrow you've hollowed out for yourself on A.F.F.?
(Anticipatory silence so complete that a mouse could be heard farting as it sat, chewing a camera cord. )
O.S.B. : Well I can't tell you John, just how proud I am of my minions and the extraordinary lengths they've gone in order to allow me room to grow. I think I really just need to concentrate on giving back to them for the time being.
They really are some of the best minions a fellow like me could ever hope to find.
In the long run, if the burrow continues to flourish, I'll be making additions to the current line-up of entertainment and activities. The sky really is the limit as far as I'm concerned, and that's saying a lot for a man who lives in a burrow.
(Light-hearted laughter and a smattering of thigh-slapping)
J.R. : That all sounds excellent, Beast. I can promise you this - we here at The Morning Blah look forward to seeing what happens and watching your career continue to blossom as we're all sure it will. We expect great things from you and we've no doubt you'll deliver.
We definitely hope you'll come back and see us later down the road, even after you've grown way too fricken cool to associate with a local cable show like us.
O.S.B. : Absolutely, John, it's been a true pleasure. I'll never forget the little people, like yourself, which unfortunately need to be trod upon in order for me to achieve, what some might call, an impossible level of fricken coolness.
(O.S.B. Raises a single hand and delivers a farewell wave to the studio audience. The audience erupts into such a frenzy that 1/3 of the recording studio is destroyed, 14 people are trampled to death (happily), and one woman goes into labor, delivering a nine pound baby boy she immediately names Cody Strange Connors. )
-fini-
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Improve your blogging vocabulary with OneStrangeBeast's Obscure Word of the Day Program.
Today's Word: Yaud - a yaud is an old, hard ridden, beaten down, worn out .
Ladies may now update their profiles with the phrase, "I need a man to make me feel vibrant and sexy again, and not like a yaud who has passed beyond her usefulness as a sexual being."
P.S. I can't recall the handle of (and I'm too lazy to go back to look) the sweet lady that left a comment recently, telling me that although she can't understand half of what I'm rambling on about, she still enjoys my pictures.
This post will probably make her laugh and cry at the same time.  Bless her little minion heart.
P.P.S. Everybody go check out the picture of Barbie that OneClassy1 has posted. It's fricken hilarious! Even doll women don't bother to look at the toilet before they sit down to take a dump!
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
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What's that smell? Edition
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Posted:Apr 11, 2012 11:23 am
Last Updated:Apr 12, 2012 6:09 pm
9627 Views
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Welcome to the Beast Burrow; where it's always a comfortable 72 degrees, a fresh batch of grape flavored Flavor Aid is always mixed, and you can always tell an excited minion through her nearly transparent toilet paper halter top.
Today is random questions bouncing around in The Beast's head day.
1). You've probably heard somebody say, "It's deathly quiet out here.", at some point in your life.
What if there was a place where, due to a certain unique chemical being produced, all of the plant life absorbed up to 85% of the visible light spectrum? Would people living there say, "Be careful, it's deathly sightless out here."?
2). A friend recently told me they were still able to use WiFi while they were camping, and I made the usual joke that they weren't really roughing it.
I wonder if one early settler ever told another, "It's not really roughing it if you can jump on your and be to a telegraph machine in a couple of hours."
Perhaps it was an aborigine who told a buddy, "It's not really Walkabout if you bring your Bullroarer and chat it up whenever you feel like it."
Those are just a couple of the random musings The Beast must deal with which are always screaming for attention in his head.
I had a great day with my yesterday. It started off a bit rough when I was forced to take him to work with me. The afternoon was better than it's been in a long time though.
I taught him a little about the fun of making your own toys. He was completely thrilled as we built a city for his Matchbox cars using foam craft sheets.
I was completely thrilled thinking I may not have to buy another $50.00 addition to his Tomica, Hyper City play-set.
He also expressed a great deal of interest when I described the way I would make my own swords to play with as a youngster. It looks like a father/ wilderness walk is in order to find the right pieces of wood.
I was shopping for a snack and something to drink in the NEX earlier. I was reaching for a can of Sardines in Louisiana Hot Sauce when the chorus to a song sort of just formed in my head for no good reason. I decided to jot a few lines down once I got back to the office.
Here's what I hear in my head as a Heavy Metal/Hip Hop amalgamation. Maybe I can get Zakk Wylde and Dr. Dre to collaborate on it.
We Don't Give A Fuck. By OSB
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Everyone is clowning now.
Clawing to the top somehow.
Hoping they can change their luck.
Fed up, we don't give a fuck!
You say, What? What?
We say we don't give a fuck!
What? What?
Yeah, we don't give a fuck!
Nobody has the time for you.
Say they have a job to do.
Whatever it takes to get their way.
Stabbing backs to make their pay.
You say, What? What?
We say we don't give a fuck!
What? What?
Yeah, we don't give a fuck!
They make their friends in higher place.
Their success the fastest race.
At the end of day they stake their claim.
Reaching, grasping for the fame.
You say, What? What?
We say we don't give a fuck!
What? What?
Yeah we don't give a fuck!
You say, What? What?
We say we don't give a fuck!
What? What?
Yeah, we don't give a fuck!
Yeah, we don't give a fuck!
Yeah, we don't give a fuck!
________________________________
Ok... So weird shit pops into my head every day. What else is The Beast to do but come share it with my minions?
I guess that's all for this edition. I have to track Karl down and ask him how I'm supposed to get his chapter of The Epic of Bloggermesh when he apparently sent it to me through a website I don't have an account with.
Everybody take care and have a great evening.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Increase your blogging vocabulary with OneStrangeBeast's Obscure Word of the Day Program.
Today's Word: unigravida - This is a word used to denote a woman's first pregnancy. Ladies may now update their profiles with the phrase, "I'm not looking to have my unigravida just yet, so be prepared to wear a condom when we meet."
I'm sure several men will respond with "I love that song! Iron Butterfly, right?"
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There's something fishy going on! Edition
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Posted:Apr 10, 2012 11:02 am
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2012 12:36 pm
7022 Views
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Gather round minions - it's T.B.o.T.B. Time!
I used to enjoy watching web cams on this site. There were quite a few couples here at one time that could put on a fairly impressive show with some production value.
Now it seems the quality of home-based pornography has dwindled almost to the point of being the opposite of arousing to view.
I watched one woman give her husband head with all the enthusiasm of a really old dog, gumming the end of a 6 month old rawhide chew with a soggy patch in the center. She kept looking lazily at the camera and reaching over to type out responses to statements like, "Is he dead?".
Come on couples, singles, and groups! Put on a show. If you're going to put your bedroom business out there every night for 637 people to watch, make it worth the monthly expense of maintaining a Gold account.
Some of you especially need to work on your money shots. If you don't truly enjoy getting a facial or mouth shot, don't pretend to for the sake of gaining 7 more viewers. There is nothing quite so hard-on-softening as watching a woman squint and cringe in anticipation of her husband's friend Tom's load preparing to be unleashed.
The subtle gagging, and retching noises once she's accepted the spunk are the final nails in the coffin lid of flaccidity achievement. Even the professional gagging sites look upon this and probably say "Uughhh."
So what we have now is a whole lot of men wearing socks and T-shirts, while their wives perform half-assed variations of awkward looking sex positions they think they're getting right.
There's also the occasional cam portraying two fairly good looking wives going at it while their husbands, who they clearly married for money, loudly bark out some of the worst wannabe porn lines imaginable.
One uncoordinated husband nearly fell flat on his face several times while trying to maintain traction, standing in socks while his wife's ass protruded over the edge of their bed. (Socks, gentleman- Unattractive... And deadly)
I'm glad I decided to partake in this whole blogging thing or this site might not even be worth my hard earned (sometimes) cabbage.
There are some nasty rumors of some sort of revolt floating around the water cooler lately. I've overheard chatter concerning the possible formation of a union in the burrow and some blatant refusals to wear toilet paper uniforms.
This will not stand. I think I've been a fairly decent dark ruler for the most part, and I will not have anarchy in the burrow. Expect swift and firm action if any more of this nonsense persists.
That's all for today minions. Hopefully by the time I've posted this later I'll have the latest chapter of Bloggermesh in hand, ready to send it along to the next writer. We're slightly off the original time-line I had established, but thankfully we're not under any real pressure from the publishing house.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Improve you blogging vocabulary with OneStrangeBeast's Obscure Word of the Day Program.
Today's Word: Cornobble. To be cornobbled is to be struck in the head, often with the instrument of attack being a fish.
Ladies may now update their profiles with the phrase "If you think you can get all grabby, feely on the first date, you can expect to be cornobbled repeatedly with frozen trout."
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Better than nothing Edition
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Posted:Apr 9, 2012 1:26 pm
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2012 8:18 am
7204 Views
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I came close to posting a non-goofy, serious topic today. I was going to kick at the self-righteous, moral-high-ground stump of some folks....
.... But fuck that. I'm the Beast and they're not. I'll keep being my lovable, goofy self.
Thank-you SGF, for allowing me to vent it out of my system.
If you haven't noticed, The Beast survived his weekend mini-vacation, not much worse for the wear. I have some slight blistering on the soles of my feet from my particular, trade-marked dance style. I can live with that though.
We've completed 5 chapters in The Epic of Bloggermesh and the sixth writer is hopefully engaged by now. I also got the interest of another male blogger to help even the boy/girl mix.
I read some work by Philly's own GoldStandard20XX, and he's just the type of guy we need to throw a good spin into his chapter.
By the end of this week we'll be over halfway through with this adventure and I'll send all contributors the completed work not long after that.
I really don't have anything else today. I spent too much time seething with anger and needing to vent. I'll sleep that off and have something far better tomorrow.
BEAST OUT
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Beast of the Dance Edition
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Posted:Apr 7, 2012 12:44 pm
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2012 1:43 pm
7399 Views
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The Lord of the Dance, aint got shit... ON ME!!!
So here I am, gazing at the view outside my hotel room, and attempting to phone one in from The Beast's Weekend Getaway.
I'm in Ocean City, Maryland to hit up my favorite nightclub, Seacrets. Check them out online. It's a great time if you're close enough to make the drive.
I am very much out of practice with the whole drinking and dancing all night thing, but I had a little help keeping myself under control. A fellow member of our community was there as well and she had the annoying job of making me wait a certain amount of time between drinks. She performed her duties admirably though and managed to keep me from making a complete ass of myself like I am sometimes known to do.
We drank, and danced, and made fun of Creepy Old Guy. I was really hoping to introduce her to Fat Tommy, but for once in known history, he wasn't there with his belly firmly planted against the stage right in front of the band.
I'm thinking I'll catch a movie later down the strip and then decide if my body can handle two nights in a row of this shit. I am The Beast though, so I should be fine even at 40. I just wish I had 20 year old internal plumbing still. The toilet in my room has not enjoyed my visits today. TMI?
No bonus material today. It's my mini-vacation.
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Weekend farewell Edition
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Posted:Apr 6, 2012 10:46 am
Last Updated:Apr 8, 2012 10:40 am
6952 Views
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I'm still not sure where I'm going or if my traveling companion is going to bail on me once again. All I know is that I need to get out of town for a couple days. I stay cooped up in the burrow far too much.
Unless the current writer comes through in the next couple of hours, the Epic of Bloggermesh is on hold until Sunday at least when I can forward something to Karl.
I'm pretty sure blondegirlis is the current holder, so Karl, if you're reading this, you could contact her directly for what she gets done and then send them both to me.
impish_pixie knows my regular email address.
BEAST OUT
Speaking of Impish_Pixie.... we nearly lost her a couple of hours ago. A Navy jet crashed into a complex at the end of her street. It's one Hell of a mess and now she can't even leave home.
Search "Navy Jet crashes Virginia Beach". That's 10 minutes from me.... about arm's reach from Pixie.
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For my muse Edition
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Posted:Apr 5, 2012 3:29 pm
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2012 4:47 pm
7259 Views
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It may not be all that well known around here, but Jules1590 is something of my muse when it comes to my poetry. When I asked her how she picked her handle she uses here on A F F, her answer inspired me yet again.
Jules... this one is for you darlin. It's a rough draft. If you enjoy it, I'll polish it up and make you a proper copy, suitable for framing.
Everybody else can play along and try to pick out all of the Shakespeare references.
__________________________________________________
Shakespear's Bitch - But In A Good Way by OneStrangeBeast
Friends, enemies, neutrals, lend me your eyes
Now gaze in awe at this most precious prize
He once told us -all the world's a stage-
But Shakespear's Bitch is all the rage
What light through yonder window shine
Shakespear's Bitch, and she's so fine
Such decadent feelings she arouses
Shakespear's Bitch plagues both your houses
No arguments will this woman brook
As she stands with lean and hungry look
Some men Cupid kills with arrows
Shakespear's Bitch penetrates your marrow
You've gone to her with bated breath
But I for her have awaited death
The death which sometimes- an itching palm
And afterward a bewitching calm
For this to happen, an improbable fiction
But Shakespear's Bitch heats up the kitchen
This thing of darkness, I cannot help
Shakespear's Bitch has made me a whelp
From flowing hair down to her shoes
She's the reason for what men dare do
Flaming youth -to set the world afire
I'd meet Shakespear's Bitch upon the pyre
You may laugh yourself into stitches
But Shakespear's Bitch rules all the bitches
Half through this life's fitful fever
If I had her I would never leave her
As star-crossed lovers I hope we mesh
And I'll take much more than that pound of flesh
He also said what's done is done
And I say my one is still only one
A thousand times good night my dear
Shakespear's Bitch, I wish you were near
Hard to release her from within my mind
Shakespear's Bitch, cruel to be kind
__________________________________________________
I hope you got a little pleasure from that 1590.
BEAST OUT
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Pop Quiz Edition!
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Posted:Apr 5, 2012 3:11 pm
Last Updated:Apr 5, 2012 8:07 pm
7072 Views
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Pop Quiz time minions!
The Beast can be a bit cocky here in the Beast Burrow. I'm starting to wonder what the minions think I would be like in person, so I've brought in a team of specialists to develop the following, highly sophisticated, public opinion test.
Here it goes. Check the answer you best feel is correct.
Do you think, in person, The Beast is:
A) Even more cocky and obnoxious than he appears within the burrow.
__________
 Approximately the same level of obnoxiously cocky both here and outside the burrow.
__________
C) Slightly less cocky in person simply to avoid arrest and having to plan yet another flawless prison escape.
__________
D) Much less cocky and an all around nice chap outside the burrow.
__________
E) Fuck you, shit stick! You didn't tell us there would be a test and I don't perform well under pressure!
__________
See... Highly sophisticated.
One of you minions suggested I begin offering to do portraits of you minion types for you to use on your profiles. I've already been asked by Mr. KarlBloggerfeld to use the one I did of him as a viking warrior and was happy to oblige.
That would be especially perfect for you minions who don't like to show your actual face on here. You could show my version, which is never spot on since I can't be bothered to take more than 5 minutes to scribble out your likeness.
This would also be an excellent way for me to track the movements of my minions; rather like an electronic, monitoring, radio beacon one would affix to the hind quarters of a sedated bear in the wild.
I like the idea, so anybody interested may feel free to hit me up. I simply ask that you give me something more to work with than a photo of your right tit, your ass clad in polka dotted panties, or an extreme close-up of your moist vagina. I'm not opposed to doodling a moist vagina, but is that really the face you want to first show the world? Cock shots aren't my favorite, but I do have the ability to give you a little something extra, if you know what I mean.
As an added bonus, I took the liberty of purchasing a set of fine point, colored markers last evening. I can now doodle you in your proper skin tone of "flesh". Bwahahahahahaha. Who came up with that color name?
Do you know what really annoys me about posting here? I take the time to form properly tabbed and spaced paragraphs, and the A F F crams everything up and removes my format.
The Epic of Bloggermesh is still rolling along. It has been slowed by a day due to an email glitch. Hopefully the current chapter will be done today and I can forward it along to the next writer in line. I'm fairly certain KarlBloggerfeld is up. If he can get his Sleep Apnea mask off long enough to type, we should be good.
I don't know if any of you married/swinger type lady minions out there would be willing to share here or not. If you are, I would love to hear any "Taking 1 for the Team" stories you may have. I can't help but notice the female half of most swinging couples is almost always a 3-5 ahead compared to their spouses on the 1-10 scale of fuckability ranking.
If you don't want to air those stories here, feel free to at least send them to my personal inbox. I could use the laughs.
That's it for today minions. That actually may be it for the weekend as I plan to attempt a little road-trip. Perhaps I can get a good enough signal to phone 1 in at some point.
Everybody enjoy your weekend and be safe.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Improve your blogging vocabulary with OneStrangeBeast's Obscure Word of the Day Program.
Today's Word: Obnormition - Have you ever needed a single word to describe that feeling you get when your arm, leg, or head falls asleep? That's called obnormition. Ladies may now lay in bed and tell their poor performing lover, "Do something exciting before obnormition sets in across my entire, smoking hot body!"
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Hump Day Double Post Edition
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Posted:Apr 4, 2012 1:03 pm
Last Updated:Apr 5, 2012 7:24 pm
7303 Views
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Occasionally The Beast just feels like jotting down a poem. He's silly like that.
No Title by OneStrangeBeast
________________________________________
Take my hand in yours my love
Lead me to your darkest dreams
Drown me in your eyes my love
Tear from me my silent screams
I've laughed I've cried
I've lived I've died
My heart lies shattered at my feet
My life's blood spilling with each beat
Take my hand in yours my love
I'll follow wherever you may lead
Guide me through your maze my love
I'll devote myself to your every need
I've sang I've danced
I've risked I've chanced
My mind lies broken at my feet
All memories lost or incomplete
Take my hand in yours my love
Show me there is a brighter way
Embrace me in your warmth my love
Allow me to know a better day
I've shrank I've grown
I've learned I've known
My corpse lies swollen at my feet
My gift from you but whole defeat
________________________________________
BEAST OUT
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The Beast has a date! Thanks spiderj72 Edition
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Posted:Apr 4, 2012 11:47 am
Last Updated:Apr 7, 2012 12:09 pm
7346 Views
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That's right! The Beast has a date. My good BLUDDY (TM) (That's a blogger buddy if you didn't know) spiderj72 has hooked me up with his girl's distant cousin.
Look at the figure on this beauty! She definitely has curves right where a hand needs them most for a proper grip during a little you-know-what action. Can you say Glug Glug Glug?
By the time you are reading this minions, we should have a completed fifth installment to The Epic of Bloggermesh, and a sixth writer set to run.
At the rate we're rolling, we'll have at least a 20 writer story completed in no time, plus or minus a week.
It looks as if I've gotten yet another person addicted to the joy that is (was) Farscape. My newest addict is well into the first season by now and loving every minute of it. If you're a junkie for great science fiction television along the lines of Firefly or Battlestar Galactica, track down Farscape if you missed it.
The Beast has decided he must leave the Beast Burrow this weekend and venture out into the real world. I need a night on the town with a fair amount of liquid refreshments, some booty shaking, and dance floor minions clawing at my body.
Don't worry though... Those flesh and blood minions can't replace you good folks. They won't take out the trash or replace light bulbs in the Beast Lounge the way you do.
Minion #1590 has been doing an excellent job punishing minions who slack off and setting them back on the correct path. She deserves a rouind of applause.
Clap clap clappity clap clappity clap clap clap clap clap.
OK... Good stuff.
Clap clap
25,464... Really?
I went to the medical clinic and began the battery of assaults I'll be subjected to in order to retire. They drew 6 vials of blood from me this morning and then demanded a cup of urine like a pesky neighbor who never has their own.
I'll probably end up having to do just about everything twice; once for the Navy, and another round for the Veteran's Administration. That's OK. I won't mind the second round. Those are the guys who will pay me if I'm messed up... And we all know the answer to that one, right?
For everybody who has already contributed to The Epic of Bloggermesh, I thank you and also those who are awaiting their turn.
Once the whole thing is wrapped up, I'll email each of you a complete copy so you can see who did what to the story before and after you.
I'll work the illustrations as I can and try to get decent copies made complete with a nifty cover. Maybe we can even mail them around so everybody can sign each copy, yearbook style.
That's all for now minions. Have a great evening and thank-you for stopping by once again.
I've been having so much fun, I didn't even notice I passed 100 posts a few corners ago.
P.S. If you happen to know that somebody else already coined the word Bluddy, keep it to yourself. I want to feel like I created something new.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Improve your blogging vocabulary with OneStrangeBeast's Obscure Word of the Day Program.
Today's Word: Neoteinia. This is a prolonged state of immaturity. Ladies may now update their profiles with the phrase "I'm seeking a mature man, so if you're suffering through neoteinia, pass my profile by."
I guess you can all scratch The Beast off your dance card. We know he suffers in silence.
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"Who's Online Now, Anyway?" Edition
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Posted:Apr 3, 2012 11:47 am
Last Updated:Apr 5, 2012 4:10 am
8196 Views
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Yes folks, it's once again time for everyone's favorite improv show, "Who's Online Now, Anyway!"
It's the show where nothing is scripted, everything is improvised, and nobody is ever who they seem.
Is that really a beautiful blonde who wants to devote herself to you for life as your personal sex slave, or a sweaty, fat, bald guy named Frank in Tallahassee, Florida who wants to try to steal your bank account information?
Nobody knows for sure on the show that TV Insider calls "A fucking great time for the entire family, over the age of 18!"
Welcome minions! I've missed you. Have you missed me? That's OK... Just lie and humor a Beast.
If you've been paying attention, the multi-blogger, mash-up story "The Epic of Bloggermesh", has been started. I banged out the first 500 words, and hopefully ************* will have her 500 done before the day is out. If she does, that portion will be forwarded to the next writer in line.
The Beast had a good leg workout last night. Do you know how he could tell? When he stood up from the couch later that evening, his leg cramped up and he said "Owwwwwwie!".
I can't tell you, minions, how badly The Beast hopes his soon-to-begin career search bears promising fruits. I'm far too old to be living with roommates and I've been burned so many times this past year in various ways, that I sometimes feel I will snap and cause a ruckus.
Is anybody else out there too much of a nice guy/gal? Do you allow yourself to pushed into uncomfortable positions in order to keep from seeming rude or selfish? I'm like that too often.
I know The Beast seems like a brute on the surface, but I suffer from a terrible conscience, and the desire to avoid confrontation whenever I can. It's not that I can't handle confrontation if it rears it's ugly head, I simply find it distasteful I suppose.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Improve your blogging vocabulary with OneStrangeBeast's Obscure Word of the Day Program.
Today's Word - Gynonudomania. This word describes the urge, held by men or women, to rip the clothing off women. Now everybody may update their profiles with the phrase "I suffer from gynonudomania; so when we meet, please wear something you won't miss if it gets torn to shreds and thrown in every direction.
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"The Epic of Bloggermesh" has begun! Edition
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Posted:Apr 2, 2012 6:44 pm
Last Updated:Apr 4, 2012 7:35 am
7461 Views
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I just led off with the first 500 words to The Epic of Bloggermesh and passed it along via e-mail to the next writer in line. We are underway.
I chose the title as a homage to the oldest known written religious text on the planet.
I also paid tribute to an influential writer from my youth with the opening paragraph.
Fun, fun, fun
BEAST OUT
Still need more volunteers....especially of the male variety. We want a well balanced story.
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To link to this blog (OneStrangeBeast) use [blog OneStrangeBeast] in your messages.
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