Breaking out of the shell...
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Posted:May 31, 2008 5:13 pm
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2008 12:03 pm
1585 Views
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As many of you who read this blog know, your friendly neighborhood Dave is a little on the shy side. Bullshit, calling me shy is like calling a Typhoon a small spring storm.
Therefore, I have decided to take my destiny into my own hands and join an organization dedicated to getting out and socializing. I figure that since I am paying money for it, I might as well go balls to the wall and throw myself fully into this crazy thing.
And balls to the walls I am going. This organization has activities planned for every day of the month, and I am signing up for activities on at least 2 days a week. Why not? Everyone there is going to be single. True, msot people are going to be my age...or older. I'm not looking for anything but people to have fun with. Thing is, there are activities that really appeal to me. Things like Sushi tasting, Salsa dancing (even though i look like a retarded epileptic when the music goes on.), even a ghost hunting tour!
Spiffy, huh? I thought so! I will keep you guys advised how things go for me.
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Where in the world are Jesternz's pants!
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Posted:May 27, 2008 7:19 am
Last Updated:Nov 27, 2008 8:46 pm
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Ladies and Gentlemen! For some reason, yours truly is missing his pants. I, am a little uncomfortable hanging out here in the breeze.
So, if anyone has seen them, please let me know!
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...full of the sound and the fury...
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Posted:May 23, 2008 10:05 am
Last Updated:May 30, 2024 7:45 am
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IF my last series of posts were to have been observed by the Bard, then I have no fear that he would have referred to them with one of his most famous lines:
"It was a tale told by an idiot, full of the sound and fury, signifying nothing!"
I was immensely stupid. That sounds a lot better than calling myself an idiot, but it amounts to the same thing. Now being stupid is part of my modus operandi for the bulk of my misguided existance, but still, it bothers me when I get this blatently stupid.
I railed. I Railed at life. I railed at my genetics. I railed at my own flaws. Well, some of my flaws. Believe me, I have a LOT of flaws. Despite that, I pretty much filled the last couple of posts from yours truly with a lot of sound and fury.
...but it signifies nothing. First of all, nothing that I railed about changed one iota because of me writing about it. Secondly, it made me look like a putz.
Still, even a fool needs to yell on occasion. I got frustrated because of my flaws.
Note to all:
Emeralds are one of the most precious things in the world, and almost all of them are flawed
(That is my own little self boost!)
Anyways, I beginning to think that life is a lot more like City of Heroes. If you dont know, I play City of Heroes online. You define yourself. Put on some cool costumes (Unless you are my buddy Sean, then you purposely make the ugliest costumes you possibly can, because you can). Then you talk to people. Usually, they need you to do something for them. (Thankfully, in real life they dont want you to go around and get yourself involved in gang warfare.)
As you go through the game, and you do your thing, sometimes you get your ass handed to you. You know, you walk in the door... and the next thing you know... you get your ass kicked.
You know what happends then? You go to the hospital, then you lower the difficulty. Next thing you know... you're kicking the ass of that which kicked your ass.
Now, I just have to find the control to lower the difficulty!
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Through a glass, cynically
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Posted:May 21, 2008 9:04 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2008 11:36 am
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First of all, I apologize for any (excessive) weirdness in this post. I admit I am extremely tired as of this moment. (That is a side effect of working nights...)
As I have stated, I am pretty shy. This leads me to do a lot of people watching. I guess since I am usually too nervous to approach someone I observe. Couple that with my semi-cynical perspective and the (very) basic psychological training I have taken, I tend to analyze things. I have noticed some things that tend to throw a lot of commonly held theories out of the water:
1)Good work is rewarded: Not really true. My entire professional career has been geared towards doing the absolute best that I can. By and large, the reward for a good job is being anonymous. Case in point. Anyone who has been in the military will tell you that during Basic, you do NOT want your TI to know your name. Sucess is measured by how long it takes him to realize that you are part of his group. This carrys over to any organization that has any hint of military to it. True, exceptional individuals (or those with the brownest noses) do get all sorts of 'pretty' things. Most people set out to do their absolute best... but recognition tends to not come.
2)Cute is good: Partially true. I personally believe that Cute in a woman is preferable to beautiful. Beauty fades, but cute is forever. You simply do not see a lot of GORGEOUS 70 yr old women. You do see LOTS of cute old ladies. For men, cute is not so good. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but, I know that I dont want someone to look at me and think of the teddy bear that she had when she was 6.
3)"I want a guy who makes me laugh/has a great personality": *BZZT* PLease try again. Any woman who says that looks do not matter is a liar. For that matter, any guy who says it is also a liar. Looks/Finances/all of those other shallow little things matter... to some degree or the other. All relationship break down to one of two primitive motivations: Protection or Reproduction. Be honest, you are not going to repoduce with someone unless they can provide a desireable genotype to pass along.
4)"There is someone out there for everyone": Really?? Do tell. If that was the case then we would be in a worse population crisis than we currently are. Given the random kinks, perversions, deviations, and other factors coupled with the imbalance in the gender balance... that isn't QUITE true. We've always had old maids and aged bachelors. Furthermore, before you suggest that the internet is making the world smaller and therefore long distance relationships are becoming more viable... I have this to offer. We'll use this particular site as a microcosm:
--This site is an internet meat market. Simply put, the stated purpose of this site is to arrange 'hook-ups' without having to buy him/her drinks.
--C'mon. If you HONESTLY believe that every woman on this site is real... and those pictures are REALLY her... I have a great bridge to sell you. Without solid numbers, I would guess that at least 20% of the "women" on here are faked. I havent gone Fake hunting on here in a while, so I can quote profiles...
--LDR's ,By-and-large, simply do not work. As humans, we require a certain tactile factor to our intimate relationships. There still is going to be a near crippling fear of the actual face-to-face meetings that can throw a wrench in the entire process.
5)"It's ok to cry": Again, partially true. For a woman, it's ok for her to be emotional. We expect it. In fact, the hint of tears can be a manipulative woman's best friend. 99% of men will go out of their way to comfort a woman in distress. It's hard-wired into us. It's also hard-wired into men to not show that weakness. Again, back to our primal roots, a man is the protector and provider. Should he not be able to fufil those duties, he will lose his breeding partner...and be classified as undesireable to other potential breeding partners. Here, in Football country, I call it the "Walk it Off" syndrome. Baring a broken bone, a football player is told to "walk it off". Sprained Ankle, walk it off. Breath knocked out of you, walk it off. Helmet to the family jewels? Walk it off.
6) "People are inherantly good": Not quite. I am a firm believer in the human spirit, but I can't say that everyone is good. More likely, everyone is selfish. Again, the primal drive to ensure our own survival. Very few people ever transcend beyond that point. I DO believe that most people TRY to be good. I just think that a lot of people fail miserably.
As I said, I am tired... and this is all I can think of at the moment... baring the whole "Nice guys get the girl" bullshit propaganda. My personal railings against that line of shit could take a year to write.
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The Art of Selling Dave
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Posted:May 20, 2008 6:13 am
Last Updated:Dec 19, 2008 11:40 pm
1729 Views
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That last post for me was incredibly hard to write. No one ever wants to admit to their flaws and failings. I personally hated having to do it.
Now that I have said that, I feel the need to sell myself to all of you on my positives.
I may be old, and kinda moody, and have an extremely low self esteem... BUT:
1) I am very much a gentleman. I do believe that ladies have should be treated a certain way. This is a side effect of how I was raised. Southern Gentlemen do exist.
2)I have a good job. This is a major perk, as there there are men out there who DON'T have a job. Couple this with the fact that not only can I afford to do the neat little special things, but the fact that I LIKE to do those kind of things...
3)I am fairly intelligent/well spoken/culturally aware person. Now, goat is not one of my favorite things, but I am capable of adapting to anything that you might enjoy. Err... and if you haven't noticed I do have a decent sense of humor. That, and I am a firm believer in conversation.
4)I am a big, affectionate, cuddle bear. I thrive on physical contact and displays of affection.
5)While I am a gentleman, there is enough "Man" to me that I do tend to take charge of things (in and out of the bedroom).
6)I can COOK!!!!
These are just some of the ideas I have... can anyone give me hand? Which ones of the above should I use as a 'Selling' point? Did I miss anything? If I did... what did I miss?
D
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My Achille's heel
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Posted:May 19, 2008 6:26 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2008 6:44 am
1671 Views
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As the hero of the Illiad, whom was dipped by his mother into the River Styx to protect him, I have a fatal flaw.
And no, its not my heel... so you all can put away your bows ( you group of Paris's you!)
Mine is a psychological flaw. Actually, I would have to say it is a compound flaw.
I am not only shy, but I have a very (according to some) flawed self image. I said that tehy are compound because one feeds the other. It's a viscious cycle of self-violence. The sad thing is I can point to causes, but I can't point to the root.
Let's go ahead and start with the flawed self image. I know that I am a fairly well spoken and (I can be) charming. I am also, unfortunately, a nice guy. (now maybe my own view of the matter is skewed by other factors, but in direct conflict with everything Bad Ass has written... nice guys finish last in my experience). The problem I run into is that I look at myself and the best I can visualize myself as is ...average. Physically I see nothing in myself that would attract anyone. Part of the root of this is that I still allow myself to see the geeky little that I was. Another aspect of this is that I have always been told that I am (in not so many words) that I am unattractive. As a result I not only have a very hard time believing any compliments on my looks, but I also tend to be highly dismissive of myself when it comes to my appearance.
Since I am so highly dismissive of how I look (not to mean that I don't take time to dress nicely or take care of myself. I do. But... that is solely for me), I tend to not feel as comfortable in a social situation. I feel better about dealing with people if I already have a connection to them... thus I get shy. It's not quite the absolute terror that I had when I got tossed out of the airplane... but it still is a terrifying experience for me to try and approach a woman that I don't know. Getting laughed at when I am not being my usually clown-like self ranks right around getting flayed alive on my list of things I enjoy.
Since I get so shy, I subconsciously translate any random glances I get as dismissive... which then feeds my low self image... and the spiral repeats.
Given a 'chat' that I had last night... I figure I might as well get that out.
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The Perfect woman.
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Posted:May 9, 2008 9:06 pm
Last Updated:Feb 20, 2009 11:07 pm
1707 Views
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If Descartes is to be believed, and matter does exist, then this perfect woman I keep imagining must exist. You see, I have for years had this near idealized woman who keeps haunting my dreams. Every now and then she shows up, I guess just to remind me that she is still lurking around in my subconscious. Maybe she is just a composite of every woman I have loved in the past... but given the amount of time that she has been floating around in my head, I doubt it.
Let me describe her to you.
She has beautiful shoulder length hair. Soft and shiny with a wonderful clean smell that lingers in the bed linens.
Her eyes sparkle. Full of laughter and intelligence... but with a hint of pain. Call me greedy, but I want her to have already known hurt before she comes to me.
Soft lips that always have a hint of a smile. Full and sweeter than the purest honey.
Skin that just begs to be touched.
Delicate hands that fit perfectly into mine.
Perfectly shaped breasts. I don't have to say much more than that.
She is gentle. Not a push over, nor incapable of standing on her own, but gentle and understanding. Sometimes I think that is more important than it would normally sound.
She is a cuddler. More than even that, she craves me and contact with me. I'm taking the kind of girl who will steal some of my shirts to sleep in when I am not there (because they are as close as she can get to me at that time).
She laughs. She loves . She hates blind stupidity.
Maybe I am too much of a romantic... but this is a small sample of her.
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The difference between games and games
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Posted:May 5, 2008 9:12 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2008 1:38 pm
1734 Views
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Games are, by nature, a distraction. Sometimes they are amusing, and sometimes they aren't.
Most games don't take place in an interpersonal setting.
Well... let me clarify.
Some games are fun. We all have games we want to play. We call them fantasies. Role Play. They are done for mutual satisfaction. They provide a thrill to help keep the relationship fresh and vibrant. In a lot of ways, they are the vitamins of a relationship. They allow a relationship to grow and continue to thrive.
Other games aren't so good. There is no need for certain games. As opposed to roleplays, head games do not benefit anyone but hte person running the games. hte person who is being played in the head game ends up hurting.
I say this because I am tired of head games. I love the other kind of games. Head games, I have lived WAY to long to enjoy being toyed with in such a manner.
Tell me about some of the games you have played... or had played on you... and I will tell you about mine.
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Because stupidity is funny
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Posted:May 2, 2008 12:50 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2008 3:45 pm
1638 Views
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Charles Ray Fuller must have been planning one big record company.
The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious – perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off.
Fuller, of Crowley, was arrested on a forgery charge. He was released after posting $3,750 bail. Fuller said his girlfriend's mother gave him the check to start a record business. But bank employees who contacted the account's owner said the woman told them she did not give him permission to take or cash the check.
In addition to the forgery count, Fuller was charged with unlawfully carrying a weapon and possessing marijuana.
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Ok... that's an odd thing (or about a music D/L)
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Posted:Apr 30, 2008 11:40 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2008 1:05 pm
1728 Views
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I, for whatever reason that struck me, got onto my little download service and got a couple of songs so that I would have something to listen to whilst I worked.
Some of the highlights of my orgy of downloading:
Newsboys:Belly of the Whale.
I know it's Christian music.. but its pretty funny...
Unnamed Choir: Crash into me
Ok.. check it. This song has me totally wrapped around it. It's an ACAPELLA version of the song! OUTSTANDING!
Unnamed Choir: Lean on Me
Another Acapella version. Really good
These two songs actually made me understand my obssession with Sarah Maclaughlin. there is just something sexy (to me at least) about a woman who can sing nonsense and make it sound good... Mmmmmm
Unnamed Choir: Gangsta's Paradise
You read right ladies and gentlemen... Gangsta's paradise... ACAPELLA. And suprisingly... I does not suck.
Let me know if you want to hear any of those.
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*scratches head*
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Posted:Apr 30, 2008 11:28 pm
Last Updated:Nov 27, 2008 8:51 pm
1836 Views
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One of the blogs I follow (Bad Ass Witch) had a post on it where she let you self a while back.
Some of the comments were rather funny... but there is one guy on there (who shall reamin nameless.. but if you read any of the blogs he comments on... you'll know this guy) who just went on a rant about how fantastic he was... his skills as a lover... his perfect cock... how he has 18 and 19 year old lovers who are extremely satisfied with him... he shits gold bricks...ect.
I was going to say something spiffy about myself until I read his post. That got me to thinking.
Self Pimping is like Masturbation... the only one who gets off on it is you... and you still have to clean up the mess later.
I've been pimped 2 times since I have been blogging. Both pimps were totally unsolicited by me. Both also jumped my reads up by at least 30%. Thank you ladies.
Why the hell would anyone want to self ? It just makes you look like a concieted prick.
I have never asked anyone to me. Nor will I . I will ask, though, that you someone else. Tell me who you like.
It could be because they have a great ass. They could be a wonderful writer. Whatever reason you might have for sharing someone with me... let me know who they are. That will tell me more about you than anything else.
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Apology for previous post
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Posted:Apr 30, 2008 11:18 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2008 8:32 pm
1585 Views
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I have to apologize ladies and gentlemen for my previous post. I was Grumpy Dave. A morass had developed around me... and I wasnt able to get out of it.
Work: Vacation was looking like it wasnt going to get approved. I need the break (as a side note, it did get approved. YAY ME!) That, and dealing with cleaning up everyone else's screwups and lack of production at work was really wearing on my nerves.
Womens: Yeah... got 'em jerking my chain. Ladies, am I really that unattractive? I admit that I have extremely low self esteem when it comes to my looks... but I am by no means Quasimodo... am I?
Money: Got a tad tight.. but got better
The whole thing is I am a worrier. I allowed what should have all been minor issues to become their own empires in my soul. I took it out on blogville and I apologize.
Forgive me?
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Damn
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Posted:Apr 27, 2008 4:49 pm
Last Updated:Dec 19, 2008 11:42 pm
1720 Views
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I'm going to break a bit of a promise I made. I am pretty damn sick and tired of always being on the 'losing' end of any relationship I attempt.
Maybe the fault really IS mine? I know I have some issues, but I didn't think I was fully defective.
Apparently I am.
As it sits now, I am just going to accept that I am old, ugly, and of absolutely no interest to women as anything other than a friend. I doubt that anything will change that anytime soon.
That is all
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To link to this blog (jesternz001) use [blog jesternz001] in your messages.
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