Early flight home
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Posted:Jun 24, 2008 7:05 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 5:29 am
5669 Views
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A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches cold."
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Love Dress
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Posted:Apr 21, 2008 11:13 am
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2008 3:50 pm
5726 Views
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married 's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her -in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the Aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work, " the -in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the -in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress, " she explained. "When he sees it, he instantly becomes Romantic.
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress, " she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing, " he said.
"What's for dinner?"
His funeral will be held Thursday.
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Circumcised
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Posted:Mar 17, 2008 11:35 am
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2008 11:07 am
5710 Views
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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk, with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
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A man and his sexual life
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Posted:Jan 20, 2008 12:33 am
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2008 12:34 am
5707 Views
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During the past year my wife tried to defend her “sexual abstinence” with following reasons:
10 times she was cold,
13 times she was hot,
26 times she felt “awfully tired”,
22 times she had technical reasons (read PMS),
7 times her back hurt,
11 times was still awake,
16 times it was “still early”,
10 times she had little bit too much for drink,
25 times she had new haircut,
9 times she wasn’t “in the mood”,
5 times was crying,
13 times she had an early doctor’s appointment,
8 times she stayed late watching a good movie,
20 times she came back late from work,
7 times her mother was visiting us,
19 times she had an “awful headache”,
20 times our windows were open so neighbors could’ve heard us,
14 times she went to “girl’s party”,
10 times she was “really mad”,
17 times the mosquitoes bit her so she had to scratch all night,
12 times bed wasn’t hard enough and
13 times she didn’t shave her legs.
When you sum all this we hadn’t made love 307 times and even when we done it it was pretty sloppy because:
16 times she asked me to “be careful”,
18 times she moved so much that I thought I was hurting her,
5 times she made an observation that “our ceiling needs to be painted”,
16 times she hasn’t moan and
3 times she said with a soft voice that she had an accident with my car.
Can somebody help me and tell me what to do?
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DATING DAUGHTERS & GRAND DAUGHTERS
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Posted:Jan 16, 2008 8:16 am
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2008 9:28 pm
5921 Views
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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTHDATE_____________
HEIGHT____ _______ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________ ________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A water bed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? &n bsp; __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, &a mp;nbs p; __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY ' mean to you?
__________________________________________________________ ____
____________________________________ _______ ___________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _________ ____
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last pl ace I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
_________________________________ ________ _________ ____________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature ; Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi &n bsp; ; State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying viol in cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating .
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure no t picking any thing up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my 's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my , I will take my electric nail gun and fasten y our trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my . Otherwise, once you have gone out with m y little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The foll owing places are not appropriate for a date with my : Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my , I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Not destined to be a groom (Happy New Year)
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Posted:Jan 6, 2008 1:02 am
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2008 11:12 am
5695 Views
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Unfortunately I’m not married. Although I was engaged but it never came to the wedding.
Here is why:
I wanted to buy a present for my fiancé for a New Year, gloves that I would send with a letter. However in the store I ran into a friend from college who was buying panties. Clumsy seller misplaced packages so my friend took gloves and I sent panties to my fiancé.
Now imagine my fiancé under a Christmas tree opening present and reading a letter.
Here is what I wrote in the letter:
For a very long time I was thinking what could I buy to cheer u up and show you how much I love you. Finally I’ve noticed what you’re missing and that is what I’m sending to you now. I want you to spend so many great, fabulous times in them. I wanted to buy you woolen ones but in those you would sweat, which I’ve noticed on my friend and the seller in the shop.
I’ve tried it on both of them and I had a very hard time to take it off of them. But the spring will come soon and to my knowledge you don’t wear any in that time of the year. I wanted to but you leather ones with handicraft on it but I’ve remembered that if you wear them I wouldn’t be able to feel that thing that I want to marry you for.
So I bought the ones that come off easily if you and others were in a hurry. Don’t forget to wear them when you go out with a fancy company.
They won’t be clean for long because people have dirty hands and you contact many people in you life. If you want them cleanse go to my friend, you know, the one I’ve already talked to you about, because he’s such an expert in those stuff.
I love you very much
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Santa gone bad
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Posted:Dec 25, 2007 5:25 am
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2008 1:02 am
5904 Views
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The Top 20 Santa Pick-Up Lines
20> "What's a nice girl like you doing on a naughty list
like this?"
19> "The whip ain't just for the reindeer, sweetcheeks."
18> "Bet I can make you a believer again."
17> "You know, I only come once a year, and I'd hate to waste it
on an unconscious Britney like last year."
16> "How'd you like to get all harnessed-up, you little Vixen?"
15> "Whattaya say, babe -- you, me, a rooftop and a nice chilled
bottle of 2% lowfat?"
14> "Ho, ho, ho -- ho!"
13> "Come sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you want. Then you
can sit on Santa's face and give him what *he* wants."
12> "Wanna feel the Christmas spirit inside you?"
11> "My 'bowl full of jelly'? It's that K-Y warming stuff."
10> "Who's your daddy? That's right: Father Christmas!"
9> "You know, after staring at reindeer butts all night, yours
looks especially appealing."
8> "Honey, you could even say it glows."
7> "Big Daddy Claus da the house! Now your stockings aren't the
only things by the chimney that are hung!"
6> "Forget the cookies and milk. Can I have a go at your
cupcakes?"
5> "Technically, I'm not allowed to leave your house until I've
properly stuffed *all* your stockings."
4> "Wanna get sleighed?"
3> "Baby, I'll take you 'round-the-world tonight if I can get
you into the sack."
2> "Well, what do you know... there *is* a creature stirring."
and Number 1 Santa Pick-Up Line...
1> "Lady, with your smile so bright, won't you be my lay tonight?"
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Cyanide
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Posted:Dec 16, 2007 8:23 am
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2007 11:28 pm
5758 Views
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
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Victoria's Secret
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Posted:Dec 3, 2007 5:21 am
Last Updated:Dec 5, 2007 6:00 pm
5782 Views
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A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his
wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
price, the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest
item pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to
go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron
it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
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Be Strong Honey!!!
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Posted:Nov 15, 2007 5:29 am
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2007 5:24 am
5825 Views
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A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!!!"
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!!"
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How Sex Starts
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Posted:Oct 28, 2007 1:02 am
Last Updated:Oct 31, 2007 3:05 pm
5932 Views
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a smile leads to a laugh
a laugh leads to a high 5
a high 5 leads to a hug
a hug leads to a kiss
a kiss leads to a make out
make out leads to a feel up
a feel up leads to a finger
a finger leads to a hand
a hand leads to a lick
a lick leads to a suck
a suck leads to a fuck.
So tell me how many people are you gonna smile at after you heard this cuz sex is like math.
you add the bed
subtract the clothes
divide the legs
leave your solution
and pray you don't multiply
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Female Evolution
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Posted:Oct 25, 2007 5:29 am
Last Updated:Oct 31, 2007 3:02 pm
5807 Views
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What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
At 78 - You can get out of bed, that's another story.
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A lonely widow
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Posted:Oct 14, 2007 1:46 am
Last Updated:Oct 23, 2007 1:58 pm
5893 Views
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A lonely widow, aged 72, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,she opened the door to see a ray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel-chair. He had no
arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.
"Just look at you. You have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...
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