Daily Dose of Humor 8/Feb/2007
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Posted:Feb 8, 2007 6:22 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
872 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor 8/Feb/2007
Redneck definitions of computer terms:
"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy
hill with 3 flat
tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your
guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your
dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with
coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair
gets covered
with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait
for your trot
line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in
your beer bottle
in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert!
LAN me yore
truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are
mad at their
wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't
spit that
watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the
TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or
Wal-Mart bag
before a trip.
Joke: Sensational Birth Rate
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place
and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other
concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the
town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped
off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist
detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all
others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A
Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the
folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up."
Joke: One Helluva Nightmare
This guy was talking to a friend of his, and his friend said he had a miserable nightmare last night.
The guy says well tell me what it was about.
Friend: I dreamt I went to bed with 3 women last night.
The guy: *surpised* Says that don't sound too bad.
Friend: Well the 3 women were Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbit and Hillary Clinton.
The guy: Well still that can't be all that bad.
Friend: Well when I woke up, I found my self in the hospital with a busted kneecap, a smaller dick
and then I found out I had no health coverage.
Joke: Crazy Local
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately
waving his hands.
"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the ship's captain.
"I have no idea," says the captain, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."
Joke: Roy Snow
The truck driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow, Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"I'm June, June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong
glances?" she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he replied with a question of his own, "having eight inches
of Snow in June?"
joke: Things That Sound Dirty
Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
joke Male/Female Definitions
MD = Male definition
FD = Female definition
Wants and Needs:
(FD) The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have
fulfilled in a relationship.
(MD) Food, sex, and beer!
Communication:
(FD) The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
(MD) Jotting a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys!
Butt:
(FD) The body part that all clothing manufacturers makes “looks bigger”.
(MD) The part meant for mooning and farting!
Commitment:
(FD) A desire to get married and raise a family.
(MD) Avoiding the urge to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend!
Entertainment:
(FD) A good movie, concert, play or book.
(MD) Anything with one ball, two fields, or three stooges!
Flatulence
(FD) An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
(MD) An endless source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding!
Lesbian:
(FD) A woman who makes love to other women.
(MD) A woman who has sex with other women so men can get aroused!
Making Love:
(FD) The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
(MD) What men have to call “boinking” to get women to “boink”!
Remote Control:
(FD) A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
(MD) A device for scanning through all 99 channels every two minutes!
Taste:
(FD) Something you do to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good.
(MD) Something you do to food you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out!
Thingy:
(FD) Any part under a car’s hood.
(MD) The strap fastener on a woman’s bra!
Vulnerable:
(FD) Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
(MD) Playing ball without a cup!
joke Being an egg
What are the four worst things about being an egg?
1.. You only get hard once
2.. You only get laid once
3.. You only get eaten once
4.. And the only one who sits on your face is your mother
Joke:Looking for a Husband
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper
that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a
gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms
or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at
you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you! She snorted.
"You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised
an eyebrow and gazed intently.
"Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said... "I rang the doorbell
didn't I?"
Joke Of The Day: little tim
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in
what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The
neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the
last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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Joke: Pepper Orgasm
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Posted:Feb 7, 2007 6:55 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
1058 Views
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Joke: Pepper Orgasm
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.
The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane.
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
Joke Of The Day:
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
PERFORMANCE REVIEWS
These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews;
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won�t-be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn�t watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus, two hundred times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn�t coming.
Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
He�s so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she�d get a refund.
If he were any more stupid, he�d have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you�ll get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It�s hard to believe he beat out one million other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch Sixty Minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His employees would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT
ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won�t find in Los Angeles.
A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn�t Mrs. Franklin have any ?
A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?
A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather�s car?
A: �Follow the yellow brick road.�
Q: What are good directions to a urologist�s office?
A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
A: Deep freeze.
Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.
A: Bedbug.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a ?
Joke: A Witch
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to
have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at
the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to
her
manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on
them. They won't know the difference." the manager does as he is
told
and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my
girl was dead "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving
her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
a witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I
gave
her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
Joke: The Chili At A Diner
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili
remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
Joke: Salutary Decision
A and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the , and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the to go and get some help from the farmer. The said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a , you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Joke: Talking Clock
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK!!! it's ten past three in the morning!"
Redneck Joke: Failed Birth Control Efforts
Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 , I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy...but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely,
Bubba Brickhead
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joke Grandma Loves Oranges
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Posted:Feb 6, 2007 4:35 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
856 Views
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Grandma Loves Oranges
A young teenaged girl was a and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
Crazy First Night
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all
night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well,
that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
69
A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.
The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.
The leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man on what to do.
Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.
The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.
A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.
Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"
First Time With Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Dirty Joke - Replacement "tool"...
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage. "Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
- Out of my cab!...
... A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have ... fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"
"What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "OK" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
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Joke Of The Day: Blond guy.
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Posted:Feb 4, 2007 9:53 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
1100 Views
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Joke Of The Day: Blond guy.
Joke: Blond And Blue
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.
So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."
Blondes Joke: 3 Women
Three blondes are stranded on an island. They find a lamp and rub it and out pops a genie. "I will grant each of you one wish" the genie said.
The first blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a brunette and swam off the island.
The second blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a red-head and built a raft and rowed off the island.
The third blonde wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a man and walked across the bridge.
Joke Of The Day:
Are you tired of those asinine "friendship" poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
1.. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2.. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3.. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4.. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5.. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6.. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7.. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8.. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
Relationship Joke: Cheap Wife
A guy comes home at 3 o'clock in the morning.
He has obviously had more than his share of booze.
His wife meets him at the front door, and the following conversation ensues:
"Where in the fuck have you been?"
"Hey, mama, I was just out having a good time!"
"Well, how much money did you spend?"
"Ninety dollars."
"WHAT!? Ninety Dollars! You asshole, do you know how long ninety dollars would last me?"
"Hmmmm well....ya don't drink...ya don't smoke...ya got yer own pussy .... probably forever!"
Redneck Jokes
Redneck Joke: Redneck's Birth Control
A redneck took his to the Gynocologist.
They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my on birth control, Doc".
"Well, is your sexually active?", asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".
Redneck Joke: Pangs Of Conscience
Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.
It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.
The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"
"A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown!. "What do you think I am...some sort of queer?"
Redneck Joke: Pa Won't Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
Redneck Joke: Old Copper Lamp
A farmer plows up an old copper lamp.
He takes the lamp back to his farm house and begins to polish it up when out pops a genie.
"Master," says the genie, "I will grant you 3 wishes."
The farmer thinks for a bit and then says, "I want a face as handsome as Elvis."
"As you wish, master."
BOOM! his face transforms into a very handsome face.
"Next, I would like you to fill my living room with money," says the farmer.
"As you wish, master."
BOOM! his living room fills with money.
The farmer thinks about his third wish, as he is thinking he looks out the window and begins to grin.
"Genie," says the farmer, "Give me 'one' like the up on the hill."
The genie also grins, "As you wish, master."
BOOM! The farmer looks down to see a huge vagina form between his legs.
Joke: Getting Married
These three brothers all got married on the same day and all went to the same location for their honeymoon. That evening, they got together without their wives and were bragging about how much shagging they were going to do that night. They eventually came to an agreement that they would use some form of code words the next morning, in front of their wives, to let each other know how they had got on the previous evening.
Anyhow, the next morning came, and the three exhausted men were at the breakfast table with their wives. The waiter came over and asked the first what he wanted for breakfast and he replied: "I'll have TWO slices of toast please!"
The other two knew what he meant and they subtley smiled to themselves.
When the second was asked, he replied: "I'll have THREE slices of toast please!"
The third brother at this point subtley smiled again and when he was asked, he replied: "I'll have FOUR slices of white... and THREE slices of brown"
Joke: Stolen Car
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."
Joke: Scotch
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch.
Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!"
The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: "It ish. How old am I?"
Joke: Expensive Dish
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
Joke: Argument
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?
The Wife's Cat
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Is the cat there?" "Of course, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
Joke: Boy & Girl
A little boy and a little girl were playing. The little boy exposes himself, and pointing says" my daddy says I have one of these and you don't!".
The little girl very upset by this runs crying into the house. A while later, very much settled and content, she comes out. She exposes herself and pointing says "I have one of these, and my mommy says when I get older if I am good, I can have all of those I want!".
Magic cream
A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his dick. He was really worried so he went to the doctor.
The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said "Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days."
The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream.
Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news.
He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased.
The man asked him what the cream was.
The doctor replied, "Just lipstick remover."
A follow-up visit....
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of
the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been
giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much.
I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The
doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."
Joke: At The Counsellor's Office
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
Joke: World's Toughest Cowboy
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales commences.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
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Joke: A Redneck Valentine
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Posted:Feb 4, 2007 7:04 am
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2007 7:58 am
1137 Views
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Joke: A Redneck Valentine
Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
Yipeeee....Yee Ha!
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Will Have Sex For Food
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Posted:Feb 3, 2007 9:30 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
870 Views
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Joke :Will Have Sex For Food
There once were three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.
They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satisfied.
One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"
They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .
They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .
The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.
She took him into her barn and said to get started.
He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.
Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.
Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .
The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.
Joke:Ma And Pa
Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.
Joke: The Code
A firefighter was telling his new wife the rules of the house and what he expected. He told her that if he said "ding", she was to meet him upstairs and they would make love. If he said "ding, ding", she was to run upstairs and they would make love. And if he said "ding, ding, ding", she was to drop whatever she was doing, run upstairs, and they would make love all night long.
One day, she was ironing his uniform, when she heard "ding, ding, ding" from upstairs, so she stopped ironing, ran up the stairs, ripped off her clothes, and started to make love to her husband.
Halfway through, she stopped him, and said "ding, ding, ding, ding!!!!" With a puzzled look on his face, he asked "what does that mean???"
To which she replied, "I NEED MORE HOSE!!!!"
Joke: Call In Sick
Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Joke:Waiting for a train
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Joke: Parrot And Colors Of Underwear
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."
Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
joke octor Visit
Don't laugh!" said the patient, Bob.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
Joke: Ballerina
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"
As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Joke: Register 5
A man was in a long line at the grocery store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom,and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy.
He thought what he had seen was way too cool.
He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom,and said...
"Cleanup, register 5!"
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Sex guide for idiots...
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Posted:Feb 2, 2007 5:24 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
1112 Views
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Sex guide for idiots...
1.. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2..There is no need for dice in role playing.
3.. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4.. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5.. If she says she's into "bondage", don't show her your financial portfolio.
6.. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7.. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
8.. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
9.. Sex is like "The Club" - accept no substitutes.
Joke Pissing Vodka
A Russian strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
Joke Sean And Kylie
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."
Joke The brothel makes us strong
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Little Johnnie
This is a story about Johnnie's day at school....Johnnie's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."
Johnnie raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I know it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnnie, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."
Next the teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnnie's teacher.
Johnnie raised his hand again and said, "Teacher, teacher, I know it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnnie and said, "No Johnnie, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."
Johnnie was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnnie grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's LONG. It's soft, but it's HARD."
The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnnie, "Now Johnnie, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnnie stopped her and said, "But, teacher all I have is my pink eraser, but I like the way that you THINK!!!"
Joke: Golf On The Sly
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Joke: Who Is Better
These two guys go to a whorehouse. The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better." The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."
Joke: Not Long Enough
A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in with a password. Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis".
His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied...:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
Joke: New In Town
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"
The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.
Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.
The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.
"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"
The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."
Little Birdie
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."
Covering Shoe
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
You Know You Are Having a Bad Day When...
- You put your bra on backwards and it fits
better.
- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of
the candles.
- You put both contacts in the same eye.
- You awake naked, then go to put on the same
clothes you wore home
from the company Christmas party the night
before, but when you
search at the foot of your bad and all around the
bedroom floor you
don't find any clothes.
- You turn on the news and they are showing
escape routes out of the
city.
- You walk to work and later discover that your
dress is stuck in the
back of your pantyhose.
- You call your answering service and they tell
you it's none of your
business who called.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
- You call suicide prevention and they put you on
hold.
And the Surest Sign You Are Having a Bad Day...
- You wake up to realize your waterbed has
burst... but then recall
that you've never owned a waterbed.
Getting old
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
little Johnny joke
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. “Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. “Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?” Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard.”
Little Johnny's neighbor has just had a little boy. The only problem is that the baby doesn't have any ears. Everyone who comes to see the baby compliments the woman on it's looks, but no one mentions the fact that it doesn't have any ears. Suddenly, she sees Little Johnny coming over from next door. She becomes very worried because she thinks that he is going to make fun of the baby. When he enters the house, he compliments the baby on everything without mentioning its' ears.
Without warning, he says," he has beautiful eyes, does he have 20/20 vision?"
So she thanks him and asks why.
"Well, it's a damn good thing because if he didn't, he wouldn't have damn thing to hang his glasses on now would he?!"
One Liners
Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns both sheep and goats.
A. Bisexual.
Q: What do you call a cross between Steve Tyler and a cat?
A: A pussy with big lips
Women's Vocabulary...
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
Soft Sigh - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".
Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Redneck Hunters
A couple of rednecks are hunting out in the woods when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He don't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck whips out his mobile phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator...
"Christ almight, Bubba's dead! What the heck can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Sir, just take it easy. I can help you ... First, lets make sure he's dead."
The 911 operator hears a few moments of silence, then suddenly hears a shot.
Jim-Bob's voice comes back on the line. "OK, he's dead all right. Now what?"
Nothing Happened
A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home:
"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"
"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."
"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."
"Well, sir, come to think of it, your died."
"My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"
"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."
"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lieing around for the to eat?"
"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."
"Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?"
"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."
"The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?"
"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."
"Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"
"They were there for the wake, sir."
"The wake?!? Whose wake?"
"Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."
"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my is dead. What did Mother die of?"
"It must have been the shock, sir."
"The shock."
"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."
Woman's Little Instruction Book
1. .Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself variety.
2.. The best reason to divorce a man is for your health: you've gotten sick of him.
3.. Definition of widowhood: the only good thing some women get out of marriage.
4.. Always take disappointments like a man -- blame them on a woman.
5.. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things, too.
6.. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
7.. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
8.. Men are like buses -- they never appear when you want them to and when they do they're driven by someone who only has a learner's permit.
9.. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
10.. A man who can dress himself without looking like Homer Simpson is unquestionably gay.
11.. Don't bother going to the chiropractor to get rid of a pain in the neck. Just divorce him.
12.. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
13.. Husbands are like -- they're okay as long as they're someone else's.
14.. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
15.. Having more than one wife is bigamy; having more than one husband is pure insanity.
16.. A man's idea of serious commitment is "Oh, all right, I'll stay the night".
17.. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the shower to pee.
18.. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is.
19.. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
20.. There are a lot of words you can use to describe a man -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
21.. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive, and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.
22.. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
23.. There are only 2 four-letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" -- unless, of course, they're said together.
24.. Wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones.
25.. Always remind your husband that the wages of sin is alimony.
.
Cyber Relationship Break Up Letter
Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),
I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:
_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
· __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
· __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
· __ You typed your own name at the end.
· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.
· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.
· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.
· __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.
· __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer.
· __ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.
· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.
· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.
Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten of a bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.
Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,
__ Sincerely,
__ Gleefully,
__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"
__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,
__ Good riddance,
[Name or alias]
Arkansas Etiquette
Some Arkansas etiquette tips... My apologies to friends from Texas, North Carolina, West Virginia, and other parts of the country who may feel left out.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 1000 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
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Joke Naked Statue
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Posted:Feb 1, 2007 5:03 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
832 Views
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Joke Naked Statue
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after
surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and
he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife
had never heard him say
that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and
he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of
"beautiful," it was now
"cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Two prostitutes
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO prostitUTES... $150.00."
A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail.
Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."
The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over.
"Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion."
The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.
The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again.
As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."
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Oversized Members
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Posted:Jan 30, 2007 6:28 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
876 Views
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Oversized Members Of The Regiment Two brothers enlisting in the service were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old was having a wonderful time playing on the bed At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
A cab driver picks up a nun.
He looks in the rearview mirror and says, “You know, sister, I’ve always fantasized about being with a nun.”
She says, “Yeah, you and everybody else. Are you Catholic?”
He says, “Yes, I am.”
She says, “Pull over.”
He pulls over, she gets in the front seat, and she gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.
When she gets done, he feels a little guilty, and he says to her, “Sister, I have to tell you something. I’m not really Catholic.”
She says, “Oh, yeah? Well that’s ok, my name’s Ralph, and I’m on my way to a costume party.”
Family Vibrator
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His replied, "I already told mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Chrissakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new -in-law!"
Mom's Visiting
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"
Martian Vacation
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache. . .she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Koala Bear And A
A koala bear and a go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.
"Oh God,that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.
Then the says, "No, I need my money. I'm a and this is how I make a living."
The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:
": person who has sex for money."
Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The reads:
"KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves."
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A Texan With Plenty To Shout About
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Posted:Jan 30, 2007 2:53 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
860 Views
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A Texan With Plenty To Shout About
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"
Sexual Rhyming Terms
WANKY PANKY
- fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky
THRUSTER BUSTER
- a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER
- sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY
- stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest
DICKIE LICKIE
- oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE
- doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER
- oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth
FUCKIE SUCKIE
- oral sex and sexual intercourse both
STINKIE PINKIE
- the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands
HUMMER CUMMER
- I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!
Elementary My Dear Watson
"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The ", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
The Rules To Bedroom Golf
The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played. If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match. Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.
FBI Dog
A police responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."
With confidence, the looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
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Joke BLONDE
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Posted:Jan 29, 2007 6:00 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
939 Views
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in IDAHO and I'm driving the salt truck!"
Unusual Finger
"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled.
Little Johnny doesn't go, he walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can I go home with you?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well I'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here."
"Can I take a shower with you?" he asks.
"NO!" says the teacher.
"I'll tell my daddy!!"
"Well, okay, I guess so."
So, they're in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can I turn off the lights?"
"No!" says the teacher.
"I'll tell my daddy."
"Well, okay."
So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can I stick my finger in your belly button?"
"NO!" says the teacher.
"I'll tell my daddy."
"Well, okay"says the teacher.
"JOHNNY!!!! That's not my belly-button!"
"Yeah? That's not my finger either."
Old timer story
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand. He looked at the old man and laughed.
Then he said, "Hey old man have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at him and said, "Nope, never had a hankering to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool you're gonna dance now," and he started shooting at the old man's feet. The old man was hopping around and everybody was laughing. He fired his last bullet, holstered his gun and turned around to go back in the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, got his 10 gauge shotgun and pulled both hammers back, making a loud click. The gunslinger heard this, then everything got quiet. He slowly turned around and was looking at the old prospector aiming both barrels right at him.
The old man asked him, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard, then said, "No Sir, but I've always wanted to!"
Sex Problems
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
Oops
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight
up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled
over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny
husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make
love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat,
he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife
pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just
making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!
She came over early and had complained of having a headache.
I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I
can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk
for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"
Hypocrite
Two little boys are sitting In the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.
The father "Gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV, we'll be right back, ok?" The two boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.
At the top of the stairs, He peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come with me", He says.
The two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!
The Object Of Dating Is To SCORE
A father said, ", the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"
So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair ... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"
National Condom Week
Lumberjack Condoms
For the woody that won't be cut down.
Sprout Condoms
Add a little moisture, and watch it grow!
Helium Condoms
For those flaccid moments when you just need a lift...
KFC Condoms
When you just need to *wing* it.
ASPCA condoms
For that lil' pup in you!
Howdy Doody Condoms
When you know "what time it is!!"
Lassie Condoms
When you know she's a bitch, but you're gonna do her anyway!
George W. Bush Condoms
When "Junior" wants to take over!
Yawn Condoms
When you're bored stiff.
Memory Condoms
When it's on the tip of your tongue.
Chatterbox Condoms
When you need to talk it up.
Cheerleader Condoms
When you want it *Rah*!
Scorpion Condoms
When you wanna sting 'er!
Jock Condoms
When it's a team effort!
Prone Condoms
When you flat-out want it.
Pitching Wedge Condom
For those special moments in the rough!
Electrical Condom
Cures the shorts in your pants!
Plumbing Condom
When you know you're gonna clean those pipes!
Toilet Brush
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1.. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2.. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. .We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. ..The Father, , and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8.. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9.. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11.. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12.. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13.. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14.. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
Columbia Maryland Yuppette
A prominent Columbia Maryland Yuppette had her teenage niece from New York visiting for the summer. She decided to sit down and have a talk with the girl explaining how things were done in Yuppie City.
"Darling," she advised, "you must be careful of certain men who offer you several drinks. Before you realize it, they'll push you down on a couch and ... well ... our family will be disgraced."
Less than a week later, the Aunt asked her how things were going.
"Great!" said the girl. "A young stud did indeed try to ply me with liquor, but I made him drink them. Then, when he was bombed out of his mind, I pushed him down on couch and screwed his brains out. So it looks like our family's doing pretty damn good, huh?"
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Joke Signs You're Not The Sexual Marvel
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Posted:Jan 28, 2007 4:32 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 3:37 am
952 Views
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Signs You're Not The Sexual Marvel
These days, you get winded just turning down the blanket.
"Five times in one night" now means that your overactive bladder syndrome is acting up again.
Bob Dole sends you an FTD "Sorry You're Flaccid" bouquet.
Then: "Where's Waldo?" played in bed with your pendulous babe; Now: "Where's Waldo?" played in bathroom with your pendulous stomach.
Your patented "Inverse Cowgirl" position now lands you in traction for a week.
Then: She slipped gently into sleep after spending 30 minutes in a post-orgasmic stupor. Now: She says you're blocking her view of the TV.
It takes six Viagras just to play hard to get.
Your mother doesn't knock on the bathroom door and express her concern nearly as often as she used to.
You can still make her eyes roll back in her head, but now it's out of annoyance.
The Two Duck Hunters
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE
INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG....???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.The stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course
terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. The is okay. . .doing fine.
Wedding
Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding. The husband to be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife to be on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she
has to do. 'All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him.' She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat.. 'Aisle, altar,
him.' 'Aisle, altar, him.' 'Aisle, altar, him.'
For those who don't get the joke, say the last three words a couple of times real fast out loud.
Bashing Men Jokes
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Men are like....
1. Men are like ....Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like....Bananas...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather.. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders.. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .....Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ....Popcorn..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
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joke Medicare Health Insurance
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Posted:Jan 27, 2007 1:27 pm
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2007 3:29 pm
899 Views
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Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”
22 MPH
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Some things to ponder
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a who is afraid of the dark to become a who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
The Weekend Warrior...
An inebriated man, clearly enjoying his weekend off, walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.
"Get out," says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".
The drunken man, acknowledges this fact, and staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.
"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!"
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.
The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".
The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs, "How many bars do you work at, anyway?"
A widowed lady
A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"
Face lift
A Realtor in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems:
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee....."
Joke: FM Competition
This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week:
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr ... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hi
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told Them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway ... just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh ... alright ... Up the arse!
Radio Silence
Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
Samples
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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