I will treat you like a princess, just ask...
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Posted:Jun 19, 2008 9:29 am
Last Updated:Dec 20, 2008 2:41 am
3476 Views
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My Precious...
Some people just do not appreciate anything you do for them, even if you treat them like royalty. Take for instance one of my friends, Tammy, now she is not dating at the moment and is spending quite a lot of her time with me. Tammy always “date the wrong guys", she always say she kissed a lot of frogs in her life, but has still to find her prince. Well her biggest “dislike” is that none of the dates ever treat her as she would like them to treat her. She wants to be treated like a princess, which is her prerogative, I guess. Now being her best friend, during her non-dating stages, I always get to hear (nagging) all about their faults and what they did not do and what they were supposed to do.
Now I always though Tammy was beautiful, an angel in disguise, somebody who is liked by all, never shy about giving, a real princess, however we have never explore anything beyond the friendship. So last week, after a few glasses of red wine I convinced Tammy to go out on a real date with me. Now it was not difficult as Tammy knows me as a sensitive person, a romantic at heart and I promised her that I will treat her like a princess.
Now I am an old school guy, manners is second nature to me, but Tammy being an ex-brit would most likely expect something very special, so I did my homework. I told her to dress in a sexy black number and I will pick her up in my new black Mercedes-Benz on Saturday night.
I picked her up at 8pm, we went for supper in the revolving restaurant in the Ritz Hotel in Seapoint, My princess looked stunning, radiant in anticipation. We had a few drinks after the meal in the cigar bar, I arranged for a few of our friends to take photos as we left the hotel, click, flash, click. I put her in the back of my Merc and we sped off. Now I could not find a subway anywhere Cape Town, so rammed the Merc into a concrete pillar of bridge instead.
She was dismissed from the hospital, yesterday, still not talking to me. I still don’t know why, we all know a Merc is one of the safest cars in the world and it is not as if she was pregnant or anything. Just go to show, some people will always complain about what they never get and when they eventually do, will find something else to complain about. Just cannot please a princess, I guess.
Oh, the life of a toad.....
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UFO's have you also been probed by an alien???
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Posted:May 26, 2008 8:18 am
Last Updated:Jun 3, 2008 8:22 am
3629 Views
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Damn aliens probed me.
I have always been somebody that can think logical and rational about anything thrown at me. I am very open-minded to anything and quite susceptible to the idea of UFO’s, because we just cannot be it, there must more to this great universe. However I was never into the “little green men” and the so call testing and probing they did on us earthlings.
I find it also amazing that in the old days, when there were plenty of UFO sightings, nobody had a camera at hand. Nowadays, where most people in the world have some sort of recording device with them, most times, there suddenly are no UFO’s to be caught on camera or video. Maybe they also got smarter.
Now, after working through “my problem or situation” I feel for the first time that I can openly speak about this. It happened in February this year, the 22nd to be exact. I was working late that evening and decided to get a drink before going home and found myself in Seapoint, of all places. I found this great pub, lively, great music and reasonably priced drinks. My only complaint would be that there were not enough female patrons, well apart from this very weird bar lady, thinking back now, there were none. Maybe it was just a tough part of the neighborhood, so the girls stayed away. I was soon joined by this group of friends, nice guys, they knew each other for years and always come down to Cape Town for the festival, still not sure what festival, but that is not relevant to my story. We talked about everything, guy stuff, some arm wrestling, fun, however never about girls, boobs, odd, I thought. But it was fun, just guys, hitting back the drinks.
It was getting late and somebody ordered tequilas, plenty of them. We all know about them, one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.... This is just what happened and I awoke around 4 o’clock that morning in an unfamiliar place. Thirsty as hell, also had strange pains all over my body. It soon became clear to me that these guys saw I was in no state to drive home and took me to their place, looking out for my well-being. Great on them, knew I could trust them.
They were still up and were discussing aliens; they appeared to be knowledgeable about the topic because one even mentioned that he knows of many illegal aliens now in the country. As my mind started to focus and trying to make sense of what actually happened the last few hours, it all started to fall in place. I remember bright lights, flashing, all colors and feeling helpless. I also remembered strange beings, not little green men, nor greys, but semi-naked figures dress in something which resembles leather. I could see their eyes, was not at all bigger than ours, so I guess there goes that myth, all with black masks, with studs. I remember being picked up by them and tied to some sort of apparatus, then it all went blank. I guess that is when the aliens did the anal probe on me, the bastards. Probably took some DNA and sperm from me, the bastards. Who know what evil plans they were up to, probable planning to start a new superior race somewhere on a far away planet with my sperm, the bastards.
These guys was great, made me coffee, offered me something to eat, which I declined as I was still nauseas and traumatized from my ordeal. I thought it best to avoid the subject with them, did not want to bring up any similar bad experiences they might have had as well. The swelling took 5 days to go down, the aliens were rough with me, damn aliens.
I have recovered enough to talk about my encounter with the beings from outa space, guess I am now part of the chosen race. Would have liked to see or catch a ride in their UFO, I think that was the least they could have done for me.
So if you are a UFO investigator, please can you let me know if any alien activities were experienced in Cape Town on the 22nd of February, this year and if there was anybody else that reported waking up with a sore ass that week?
URGENT NEWS BREAK: Aliens are coming to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, I am just saying good bye.
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My blog is going GREEN, and yours???
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Posted:May 19, 2008 5:34 am
Last Updated:May 30, 2008 8:17 am
3387 Views
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My blog is going green.
If you read my last blog you would already know how incredible successful my blog has been, mostly because of the fact that I surrounded myself with “the best of the best”. This dream team suggested that we go GREEN and I agree.
Now this is nothing new for me, you would have realized by now that I am a very serious and conscious person, with a great respect and love for mother earth and all creatures on it, except that platypus thingy. I have actually been a dedicated “tree hugger” for the last three years {I have to slide pass this 100 year old milkwood tree every morning to get to my car, the damn thing should be cut down, constantly damaging my clothes... oops did I say that aloud}.
I normally stand up for nature, as mentioned before and I was up in arms against the tin can manufactures when I first heard of canned lions. I suggested to my blog's investment team that we will in future only invest in green companies. They found this perfect investment opportunity in { name withheld due to an insider trading case against us} and { name withheld due to an UN Health investigation against them} will also be sponsored by us. They make biodegradable and recyclable tin cans, yes both. After many years of recycling the same tin over and over, it would naturally degrade into the soil after 10 years. However this technology is only a year old, they are confident that after 10 years of usage you will want to bury it.
The invention of this technology was actually sponsored by their mother company {name withheld due to ongoing stalking by Greenpeace}, who we also invest into, who will actually use these tins to get the best dolphin and whale meat to some of the top restaurants in Japan. Always looking to use the best environment friendly technology for the benefits of their citizens, so unselfish, that is why we invest in them (also low overheads = huge profits).
Now I often find myself in nature, tracking through the wild looking for unique and rare species. It was on just such a trip, back in the early 1990’s when I got lost in the Grand Canyon. I was lost for days, low on water, nothing to eat. Not an animal in site, so my shotgun, which I just took with for protection, was of no use. I was close to starvation when my luck changed; I believe Mother Nature was looking after me, a of the earth. I stumbled onto this “dead” bald eagle and realizing that it probably just died as it appear still warm and still looked fresh. My survival instincts took over, gathered some firewood, rub two pieces together to try and get a spark, as the Bushmen do and within no time I had a fire going, must admit the zippo helped a lot. I was just on my second drumstick when I was found by a passing patrol of national park rangers. However, instead of getting sympathy and support, I was immediately arrested for “killing” a protected bird.
Well, I got OJ Simpson’s old lawyer and we won our case after explaining to the jury that I know it was a protected species, did lots of research on the bald eagle, but the bird was already dead when I found it, I was starving to death and it was the only way to save my life, as it did. I love nature. They agreed and I walked away a free man, as we had confidence in the US justice system, it really work. Now I still wants to go back to the USA and to Yellowstone Park and check out a wolf or grizzly bear, but I think I was blacklisted by the US National Parks Authority.
When I tell this story or survival and man’s born instinct of self-preservation, I often get asked how the bald eagle tasted. Well it was a white meat, not as tough or wild as tiger meat, but much less fatty than panda.
I am currently interested in the mona ground iguana and will visit the Mona Islands shortly to satisfied my hunger (for knowledge). I am looking for a partner to join me on this trip. If you meet the following criteria, please contact me urgently: Female, chef, can handle a gross bow, can prepare food under extreme pressure, have a limp and must at least move slower than me (those lizards can move).
Now let’s all hug a tree today, I did my part this morning and you......
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Blog success, I did it my way....
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Posted:May 15, 2008 8:07 am
Last Updated:May 29, 2008 1:00 pm
3528 Views
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Two months ago I had no knowledge of blogging, then I started my own blog and today, after celebrating my first month anniversary I consider myself a seasoned veteran, with a successful blog (even if it is only by my own standards). Not being a selfish person I thought it wise to plough something back and assist new or aspirant bloggers on how I did it.
This is what worked for me, MY TIPS.
Blogging is not just someplace where we write anything down that comes to mind. This will never work for me as the frequency of a well formed thought actually grossing my mind, is extremely rare. No, this is a very serious affair and sometimes take long hours, months of research, investigation skills and a deep insight in human behaviour. In my case I mostly write about myself, which is somebody I know and have researched for just over 44 years.
As blogging was new to me, I approached it like I would any other business project, did a business plan, budget, vision and goals. Short-term goal was to make sure I always use the “Spellcheck” before submitting something. My medium-term goal was to get at least 20 comments and long-term was to get a page 2 on my blog. Most of these goals were achieved, irrespective of the fact that most of these comments was actually made by me, but the parameters was not clearly defined, so I got away with it.
Important is success breeds success and like any great leader the trick is to surround yourself with the best of the best. I spend days investigating and researching my team and feels confident that I could not have done it without them.
My PR Company was great, initially they asked me to start marketing so long by myself as they are still busy running a very successful campaign for ESCOM and we all know how often they get mentioned in the media and public, so their appointment was a no-brainer.
Got an international accounting firm, who will also act as my auditors, providing a one-stop-shop. They have very successful multi-nationals like ENRON on their books, as well as a local firm called Findentia (not sure of the spelling). They are very convincing, so all my investments is now going to Findentia. I have met Mr. Brown, I guess Mr. Brown is an alias like they used in Reservoir Dogs, something I can understand as he is so in demand and people are constantly looking for him. My accountant /auditors told me not to worry about the books, they will ensure everything is sorted and the shareholders are happy.
My PR Company appointed a VIP security firm to provide personal protection for me, as the fame of running a successful blog will attract many fans and admirers. They are very professional and mostly work behind the scenes, “prevention is better than cure" I always say. So they do not cramp my style, but still doing a sterling job. They are also a very long-running international company and have an impressive list that reads like the “Who’s who International”. I am not a person who brags by name dropping, but they looked after John F. Kennedy, Jimmy Hoffa, John Lennon, Barney and Gianni Versace. I bit closer to home they provide protection to a Kebble chap and Lucy Dube ( I believe his last big hit, as you would surely know, was the pavement). These guys are so good that I have never been harassed by my fans or admirers. However, on a recent trip to my local shopping centre one lady did slip through the net (these things will happen) and approached me. I immediately knew what she wanted and before she could say anything I told her that I did not have a pen, otherwise I would have signed an autograph for her. She was totally dumbstruck and could just manage to ask for directions to the Ladies Room. I guess she was just overcome by the emotion of meeting me; I do have this affect on my female fans. Funniest thing is she left without getting my autograph.
Not going to say much about my Legal and Technical team, apart from the fact that they were part of the successful prosecution team in the OJ Simpson trail and recently excused themselves as Saddam Hussein’s lawyer, as they were so confident that Mr. Hussein will be acquitted and walk free that he told Mr. Hussein he is wasting his money on legal advice and should conduct his own defence. Always looking out to save money for their .
My Invention and Marketing team had huge successes in the “shaving blades industry”. Initially you could only get a razor with one blade. Then millions was spend on research and technology to improve the shaving experience. These guys came out with the novel idea of using two blades (twin blades) instead of one, thus improving it by 100%. It did not took too long before the industry was demanding another innovative idea. After spending millions on research and testing these guys came up with the brilliant idea of using three blades instead on two. So innovative, where do these guys get these ideas? Now I just got this silly idea why not go for four blades next [sorry, please ignore my last idea, I was told that they have not spend the millions yet and are still in the brainstorming faze, anyway I was told it is not as simple as that].
I had such great applications for my PA position. One had a legal background and 5 years experience, the other candidate was top of her class and just completed her MBA. Well, I appointed the blond with the nice Tits.
These are my tips, I am happy to share these with any would be blogger, It helped me achieve great heights is this cut throat blogging business. Do your research and surround yourself with other successful people.
Good luck and happy blogging.
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Myth: men cannot multi-task, my views and support
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Posted:May 13, 2008 10:41 am
Last Updated:May 30, 2008 7:19 am
3661 Views
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I recently wrote in one of my previous blogs (Freedom at last........) that men cannot multi-task. Looking4UmyLady responded on his blog to set the record straight, but got nailed. I must support him as a fellow bloke. Here is my take on the matter.
I owe it to my fellow man to set the record straight.
I often hear from my female employees and female partners that men are useless at multi-tasking and women are so great at it. Now I am a firm believer in providing a work environment where one could self-development and for somebody to excel in all aspects, life to their full potential. Now in order for female employees and female partners to be challenged and achieve great heights, thus getting full satisfaction, I make sure they get to multi-task, as often as possible. I often would give them many tasks to do at once in order to get them fully active and on top of their game. However, I often get some negative comments of unfairness, so I guess not everybody has the same work etiquette as me.
The typical multi-tasking required at home form a man is normally, on a Saturday morning, to mow the lawn, make sure the do not kill each other, make sure the dogs does end up in the pool, remove the clothes from the washing line BEFORE moving the lawn and feed the . Now when this is all taken care of, perfectly with precision, 10 mins before kick-off and you about to get comfortable with a beer to watch the next game on TV, you will be greeted with the “killer look” and unjust comments like “the car is not going to was itself” or “why did you let the play in the mud with their new clothes”, we know there is just no way we could ever please you. Thus the myth of men cannot multi-task was created; we can, but just don’t want to.
You see there is no incentive for us to multi-task, we will just get more and more task and we know we can never please you, so why bother. No if you on the other hand make it a challenge or interesting you will get our buy in, immediately.
I will show you multi-tasking that will work for me on a Saturday afternoon, when the are away for the day. I will gently drape you over the couch, facing the TV, while doing you from behind (doggy), while holding a beer in my left hand and a boereworsroll in my right hand. Only changing the rhythm slightly when you pass me a new beer or I had to hold the packet of biltong while you try to bite it open. I will coach on what to do through the excitement when my team scores to ensure you keep still enough not to spill the HP sauce or the astray which I would neatly balance on the small of your back. Damn, I love those back dimples, would just be big enough to hold the salt for the tequila. Now when it is halftime you will have to pass me the TV remote so I can even multi-task more by flicking through the other sport channels. Now this is what I call worthwhile multi-tasking.
Now I can already see the disapproving looks and the negative remarks of “You are so selfish”, but it just is not true. Did I not choose a very comfortable position for you, where you can also watch the game, draped you over your favourite couch (you so love this couch, a gift from your mother, I think) and I am sure you will get any stains out of the suede in no time. Surely the interruptions will be minimal and not be that bad, it is not as if I you have to open all 6 beers at once, they will be well spaced throughout the game. Anyway you are welcome to rest your elbows on the coolerbox and I will share a beer with you, or with careful planning on your side you could sneak in a cider or two. I will offer you a bite of my and I promise not to blow cigar smoke anywhere near your face. Just think 80 mins of bliss.
Yes, sure we can cuddle after the game. That is another myth “men do like to cuddle”, the only thing we don’t get is why you always have to lay with your head in front of the TV.
Now I think a lot can be learned from this rare inside information I just shared with you, be creative, be innovative, be daring, challenge our multi-tasking skills and let’s share this great gift that will bring us even closer to each other than before.
“honey...the game is starting, so babe, do you want me to show you some multi-tasking or what.."
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freedom at last..... i am back, i think...
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Posted:May 9, 2008 10:58 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2008 7:05 am
3611 Views
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I eventually made it back to my blog in one piece, you see the problem was that I was held hostage by my penis, well it is my story and I am sticking to it.
Now, for those of you who has not read my previous blog (which contain a serious of events, not just one story or event),reading this will be like joining your partner after she just got dressed, but never mind. Those with weak stomachs, please make sure you have taken your carsick pill before proceeding, those who have read my blog before would surely have a bucket on standby by now, just in case of nausea.
Now, I could have blamed the devil, like my fellow celebs had done in the past, but that will only insult your intellect, as you would all know he is far too busy in Zimbabwe, helping out an old compatriot, to get involved with little old me.
Let me explain. The MAN UPSTAIRS created man and both sexes was given an equal amount of blood to function properly. Unfortunately in the case of a man, this balance is sometimes disturb and thrown off when he gets an erection. With the expansion of the man's body, in this case size does matter; the body will stretch and now require much more blood than is readily available. It is also a known fact that blood is a liquid and it is the nature of any liquid to flow downwards. So when an erection appear; gravity will take over and the blood will rush in. The brain, being situated on top, now runs dry of this much needed substance it requires to think.
So ladies if you ever find a man that say he can multi-task, be aware he most likely have an underdeveloped penis.
Now, we have all heard the saying that “a man thinks with his penis” and the above explain why it is not just a myth. However not all men will admit this, especially if you confront them when they have a hardon, which is very often. Anything said in this state should not be taken seriously and recognize for where it comes from. Also just to set the record straight we do not think with our penis, it cannot think, however due to the lack of blood to the brain all we can do in this mind state is to follow its lead.
As a man start to realize how this thing whole thing works, which is in most cases after he turns 40 (yes, it might appear to take long, but remember we have to operate quite a lot of time without vital blood in our brains), he can manage it better and actually embrace it. Learn to live with it.
You are properly wondering what this all got to do with my blog, which I neglected. Well, when I got back from a loooong 10 day sexless holiday (spend time with family, ain’t no redneck), last week, I had this incredible hardon that just would not take no for an answer.
For those who have followed the story so far and were not overcome by nausea (yet) and is still awake, would understand that I was, as a result of this incredible hardon, hold hostage by my penis from thinking andd thus writing on my blog. I am happy to report that I have managed this problem well, all on my own, however, I now have a “tennis elbow” and my eyesight is going.
Today I felt the blood slowly flowing back into my brain, thus allowing me this vital break to give you this well deserved feedback and explanation. I am not off the hook completely, I still have to live up to my promise to my penis that I will take him to the local SEXPO, this weekend, otherwise he might never have given in.
I am feeling great and can’t wait to get back to writing my blog. The creative juices are flowing {sorry, I just got feedback from my Technical and Legal department that it is not actually “creative juices” that were flowing, sorry babe, here is a tissue, there is still a drop on your chin}, moving on. The Marketing department has now also joined the “project”, damn she is good, and I must apologise for any typos typossss or mistakes that might follow, aas I am now typing (trying) with my left hand, had to assist this incredible team effort with my right hand, just the sort of person I am, always willing to lend a hand.
Blood slowing draining from my brain, sorry where were we, blood slowly draining from my brain, sorry where am I, blood slowly draining from my brain.....
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My world, just some thoughts....
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Posted:Apr 10, 2008 8:48 am
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2008 8:55 am
4150 Views
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NEW STORIES, LIFE EXPERIENCES AND DAMN INTERESTING READING FURTHER ON, SO IF YOUR ARE BORED AND I MEAN REALLY BORED, CONTINUE TO READ, MY APOLOGIES UPFRONT, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED...
UPDATED DAILY WITH NEW STUFF (OUR SOMETIMES NOT)
DONT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. THIS IS JUST THE COVER PAGE, YOU ARE WELCOME TO PAGE THROUGH AND LEAVE YOUR MARK.
MY FIRST CYBERSEX EXPERIENCE......
I was really chatting up this lady, what started off a little long winded, soon turned hardcore. Soon she was moaning "clouds, clouds". Hell, i thought, doing great, got her on cloud nine already, that was easy, good for the confidence. "Clouds, I see clouds" she kept on moaning, I was really getting turned on, hot, hot. She then ask me "what do men and clouds have in common?". Wow, i thought, she is really on cloud nine, next she will compare me to a God.
Then I got the following:
"What do men and clouds have in common, eventually they f-off and its a nice day".
Well, i broke a wind and cleared off.
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To link to this blog (rm_markus02008) use [blog rm_markus02008] in your messages.
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